Good people needn’t make bad partner choices 0
Why do good people pick partners who treat them poorly? Smart, beautiful, incredible individuals who give 110% to a person who in return is only half-vested, part-time and approach the relationship with a “me,” not “we” mentality. Why does this happen?
1. The more you invest the more vested you become.
When you don’t get the love and attention you want, it may seem natural to give more. You invest more – only to find yourself more disappointed, depleted and feeling insignificant with each attempt to create/repair the connection. This is what psychologist Dr. Jeremy Nicholson calls the principle of “sunk costs.”
Before you engage in another act of love, ask yourself what your true intention is. Are you giving without expectations? Are you keeping score? Or is there a part of your giving that is rooted in the hopes you will get love and acknowledgement in return? If there isn’t a foundation of love, respect and commitment with the person you’re dating, giving more and doing nice things will not cause them to love you more, it’ll only result in you becoming increasingly attached.
2. “We accept the love we think we deserve.” – The Perks of Being a Wallflower
Perhaps you had an unstable male figure in your life as a child, or your first relationship was one that left you hurt and wounded. It is possible that you are choosing relationships that repeat the unavailability, rejection or abandonment issues that we’re familiar in your earliest relationship with the opposite sex. In a sense, you seek comfort in that familiar scenario, even if it is one filled with angst.
The problem is the longer you continue the cycle the more your sense of self-worth erodes making it harder and harder to remove yourself from the pleasure/pain pattern of unhealthy, inaccessible relationships. Don’t ever forget your worth. The moment you accept less than your worth, you will get less. The moment you tolerate disrespect and disregard, you set precedent.
3. It’s chemical
Dr. Larry Young, the Centre for Translational Social Neuroscience director, notes experiencing a loss from a partner – such as a separation or death, is akin to an addict craving drugs. He points out that both men and women who have been verbally or physically abused often refuse to leave those relationships, similar to how drugs addicts cannot leave their relationship with drugs. They are chemically hooked. Then, “they rationalize their choice to stay by focusing on positive traits their partner might possess.”
Each relationship that comes in your life is the universe’s way of delivering a lesson for you to learn. If you don’t learn that lesson and evolve, you will only face the same issues with each relationship moving forward. After all, you have to be the “right one” until you will meet the “right one.”