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Ask Amy

Grandma struggles to connect with grandson 0

By Amy Dickinson, Special to QMI Agency

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DEAR READERS: I'm stepping away from the "Ask Amy" column for a week. Please enjoy these hand-picked "best of" columns in my absence.

DEAR AMY: I am a 65-year-old widowed grandmother living in New York City. Frequently a male companion and I visit my daughter, son-in-law and their son, "Jeb," on Long Island. The boy is five years old.

Never do I get a kiss from Jeb, and only on his parents urging do I get a desultory, fleeting hug, whereas my companion is welcomed with smiles, kisses and high fives. In every situation he is favoured over me.

My companion, very fond of Jeb, has offered to stay away, so Jeb won't be distracted. Please advise. -- Heartbroken Grandma (2003)

DEAR HEARTBROKEN: No creature is more mercurial, prickly and sensitive than a five-year-old is, and five-year-old boys are famously female-averse. Most boys this age feel that, except for mom, "girls" are yucky, and even at your age and stage, you are a girl to him.

I'm concerned that you are taking his behaviour personally when it is so normal. Please don't remove your male friend from the scene -- it wouldn't achieve what you wish and would be confusing for everyone.

I spoke with Dr. Lillian Carson, author of The Essential Grandparent (essentialgrandparent.com), who says you should set your sensitivity aside and find creative ways to connect with him because you need one another in your lives. You should try to establish a relationship with him more on his terms.

Carson suggests that you ask "Jeb" what toys or games he enjoys and get him to take you on a tour of his room, showing you his favourite things so you can interact together.

Send him things in the mail -- nothing big, but postcards from New York or an envelope with some fun stickers inside will let him know that you are thinking of him even when you're not around.

Please remember that relationships take time and that no one likes to be forced to hug or kiss someone. Would you like that?

DEAR AMY: In your column you occasionally refer to the "basics of having a relationship." But what are these basics?

I'm only 87 years young, and I'm attempting to find friends after my wife of 61 years died over a year ago.

I live in a small town, and there are probably many people who are as dumb about relationships as I am. -- An Older Reader (2004)

DEAR READER: I think we're all pretty dumb about relationships, but friendships and relationships can grow -- with some practice.

I hope you're able to get out and about and mix with people.

A daily trip to the library or your local diner, regular attendance at a house of worship or involvement with a seniors club will help put you together with people who are happy to see you and who you look forward to seeing.

That's where relationships start. They start with a nod and a smile and a tiny little conversation. Those little conversations take root, and friendships grow from them.

DEAR AMY: My father has a habit that I find annoying. He says I'm lacking a sense of humour. Whenever he is introduced to a woman, he turns to me and says, "Watch me make her feel good," then turns to her and says, "You've lost weight." Remember, he is saying this to a perfect stranger and thinks it is funny.

I don't know if it makes a difference, but he is quite elderly. I'm afraid that when he makes these comments, people will either think he's senile or take offence.

Should I continue to try and get him to stop this, or am I truly lacking a sense of humour? -- Humourless in Chicago (2004)

DEAR HUMOURLESS: You are both right. Your father's comment isn't funny, but then you're not handling it with a good sense of humour.

If a man made that remark to me, honestly I wouldn't be offended, but I wouldn't think it was funny either.

I think you should good-naturedly say to him, "Dad, I think you need a new act. Even Buddy Hackett occasionally used new material!"

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