Friend dominated by alpha dog
DEAR AMY: A good friend of mine keeps asking me to watch her dog when she goes out of town. While it seems an innocent request, there are several things about it that bother me.
Firstly, her dog requires four visits per day, at very specific hours -- making it nearly impossible to run my life normally. An option she provides is for me to stay at her house, but that is not something I am able to do, because I have to work from my own home office, a concept that I do not think she understands.
Her apartment, although a short drive from mine, does not have adequate parking, so it is extremely inconvenient to visit during the day.
She has asked me to watch the dog for many days in a row, and she asks me at the very last minute -- sometimes just a few days before.
I believe that she should pay the money to have the dog boarded, and this is all her attempt to not have to pay for that cost.
Asking a friend to watch the dog for one day every now and then is fine, but I think it is completely inappropriate for her to expect me to dedicate this much time to her dog, and to take so much time out of my busy life.
She thinks that it is convenient for me because I live a few minutes away, and because I am a freelancer -- but it really is not convenient.
I keep giving her excuses why I cannot watch the dog; sometimes the excuses are legitimate and sometimes I am making them up. I truly do not have time to take care of a pet during the day, which is why I have no pets of my own. How do I let her know that I am not comfortable handling this responsibility, without sounding like a jerk? -- "S" in California
DEAR "S": Using lame-o excuses and falsehoods to get out of doing this makes you sound like more of a jerk than this simple response: "No."
Practice this into a mirror until you feel confident.
Because you seem like the sort of person who is easily pushed around by an Alpha dog, I give you permission to expand your "No" to include this: "I was willing to do this a few times but I don't want to do it anymore. It is way too time-consuming for me."
Bam. That's it. You don't offer excuses, explanations about inconvenient parking or the challenges of freelancing from home.
She is lucky you stepped up those times you did, and now she is going to have to find someone else.
DEAR AMY: As my middle school graduation approaches, students have been selected for awards based on subjects. I found out that I got nominated for the drama award and the geography award. However, my friend has asked me about possibly dropping out of the drama award program so he could have a chance to win it -- because his parents do not support his dream of going into acting.
At first, I was glad to do it; however after collecting my thoughts I feel that it would be immoral. However, I do want to help my friend, as he has done similar things in the past for me. What should I do in this situation? -- Mortified
DEAR MORTIFIED: Your friend has asked you to do something fairly dishonest for his own benefit. I realize this is challenging, but you should not do it. If he won this award only because you had dropped out, this isn't really winning.
He's going to have to earn his accomplishments the hard way -- not by eliminating the competition.
DEAR AMY: That letter from "Putting the Kids First" really hit home for me.
As the daughter of a rat-fink dad who ran off with his mistress (and left my mom to raise eight kids), I know that nothing anyone says to these daughters will make them like their dad's mistress. It's her karma. Sorry, deal with it! -- Been There
DEAR BEEN THERE: I have a similar personal story, but a slightly different take.