MOVIE CHEAT SHEET: Razzies celebrating the craptacular
Suicide Squad is rightfully nominated for a slew of Razzies, Brian Gasparek repots. WARNER BROS.
BRIAN GASPAREK/ 24 HOURS
The Big Story: The 24 Hours Razzie Awards!
The Razzie Awards shortlist was revealed this week, paying homage to the most craptacular films of 2016. It shouldn’t surprise anyone that the god awful Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice cleaned up, scoring eight major noms, including Worst Picture, Worst Screenplay, Worst Director and Worst Actor (for both Ben Affleck and Henry Cavill). Yeah, it’s going to be a clean sweep.
But let’s be honest, 2016 was such a lame year for blockbusters, and B v S shouldn’t hog all the stinky glory (even though it will). Apart from the very accurate shortlist, I’ve decided to create some Razzie bonus categories to highlight the other cinematic offerings that deserve to be recognized for their awfulness:
Worst On-Screen Chemistry: Brad Pitt and Marion Cotillard in Allied
My god, has there ever been less heat between an onscreen couple? Their lack of spark played a major role in the film’s blandness.
Most Humiliating Role: Robert De Niro in Dirty Grandpa
DeNiro played a filthy, pervy, partying grandfather, alongside Zac Efron. It was worse than it sounded. Bobby, what were you thinking?
Most Unintentionally Offensive Film: Swiss Army Man
A buddy flick about a guy and a hyper-flatulent corpse that he desecrates for survival, is more offensive than heartwarming. Those theatre walk-outs made sense.
Biggest Studio Blunder: Suicide Squad
Warner Bros. turned David Ayer’s film into an epic mess to make sure it was nothing like the dreary Batman v Superman. In the process, it turned out arguably worse.
Lifetime Non-Achievement Award: Matt Damon
Poor Matt had an awful year. From releasing terrible blockbusters like Jason Bourne and The Great Wall, to causing PR nightmares regarding whitewashing in film and the limits of diversity in Hollywood, Damon’s 2016 was truly terrible.
The new Céline and Peabo
Ariana Grande and John Legend are the new Céline Dion and Peabo Bryson. Grande and Legend are set to recreate the legendary Beauty and the Beast theme for this March’s live-action remake of the Disney classic – and I love it. This is the perfect duo for the deed in 2017. Grande’s power and Legend’s smoothness are guaranteed to combine for an epic modern take. I’m willing to place an early Grammy bet.
Smith and Hanks for Dumbo?
Tim Burton may have found his live-action Dumbo, and it’s Will Smith. (Rise above the ear jokes, people. You’re better than Carlton Banks.) Walt Disney Pictures and Burton are courting Smith, with hopes that he will lead the live-action retelling of the 1941 animated classic. The last time Smith voiced a children’s character was in 2005’s Shark Tale, which I thought was excruciatingly meh. Please keep searching. As for the rumours of Tom Hanks playing the villain … I’m into it.
Avengers score some Dink?
Sick of the same old giant Marvel cast that appears in every single superhero flick? I don’t blame you. But the good news is that it looks like the MCU is about to score some fresh blood. The great Peter Dinklage is in talks to play a yet-to-be-named key role in both Avengers: Infinity War and Avengers 4, the following year. I’d say this is a good way to class up the franchise. Bring on the Dink.
I wish I had some light to shed on whatever the heck that eerie, viral, sci-fi trailer was that hip production company A24 released this week. Truth be told, I was just as confused and unnerved as everyone else who saw it. We can count on one thing, however. No matter what the creepy movie ends up being, it’s guaranteed to be solid. Would you expect anything else from the studio that made Moonlight, Room, The Witch, 20th Century Women, etc.? Exactly. If you haven’t seen the clip and feel like being creeped out, search ‘A24 mystery trailer.’ You won’t be sorry.
BEST AND WORST IN THEATRES:
Strong: Patriots Day
Patriots Day is the movie to see this weekend. Critics are calling the Mark Wahlberg starring American drama about the 2013 Boston Marathon bombing, a strongly written, well-acted tribute, that will both rattle and move you.
Bad: Live By Night
If you were hoping that the first Ben Affleck directed, produced and starring film since Argo would be just as sweet as its predecessor, prepare for a let down. Critics are saying that while Live By Night is strongly cast and well styled, the crime drama is confusing, slow, dull and clichéd.
Terrible: Monster Trucks
We’ve heard for months that Monster Trucks is awful. That’s false. Somehow it’s even crappier than expected. Critics are panning the family-friendly action flick for being boring, sloppy and dumb. Its live-action/CGI fusion is a mess. Save your time and money.
Pass: The Bye Bye Man
The Bye Bye Man is 2017’s first starless, stock horror flick that will be forgotten about by next week. A lame urban legend comes to life to haunt a bunch of reckless teens?
Yawn. Skip it. — by Brian Gasparek