Old school winter cancels annual winter gloat column
It is with regret the I announce the cancellation of the annual Weather Gloat column.
At this time of year it is traditional to run a column full of mock apologies for all the beautiful Vancouver cherry blossoms and budding magnolias and express bogus sympathy to the rest of snowbound Canada because they can't join in, and then cackle with evil glee when they call us a bunch of smug wimps who aren't really Canadian at all.
Due to unforeseen circumstances that column will not be appearing this year. I apologize but it's not really my fault.
In fact, I would like to hire a few lawyers and find out who is responsible.
This has been an old school winter. It's beginning to look like Vancouver golfers won't be hitting the links until the Canucks do. I realize that no one feels sorry for us, those heartless Eastern bastards. But it's not fair. The West Coast is being cheated. We are paying for something we are not getting.
Sure, March is cold in Regina. But you can find a two-bedroom apartment in Regina for less than $1,000 a month. The average Regina house price is about $316,000.
Weather is priced in—when you move to Regina, you know what you're getting. The average Edmonton house price is around $360,000, and this winter our snowfall totals are neck-and-neck with theirs.
Vancouver residents expect more because they are forking out more.
We pay a March blossom premium. And so far, very few March blossoms.
It's weather fraud. We deserve rebates.
Clearly we have the makings of a class action lawsuit here. The problem is figuring out whom to sue.
Prominent developers like Bob Rennie would be good targets because they probably have lots of money, and money is key where lawsuits are concerned. Maybe we should sue Jimmy Pattison or Bryan Adams.
We can work out the details later—that's what lawyers are for. There's no point suing Mother Nature because all her resources are squirreled away. Literally. And those damn squirrels are shifty.
Government could be our best bet. Mayor Robertson and Vancouver city council will be held responsible at the next civic election if they fail to take action against snowfall.
And there's a provincial election coming in May. Which party will propose the biggest cherry blossom rebate? If we have to resort to threats, we will: Give us our money back or we all move to Lethbridge.
We'll do it, man. For real.
Show us the magnolias or show us the money.