4 types of men to Spring clean from your life
Spring is all about renewal and rebirth. If you’re looking for love in 2017, your dating life might benefit from a good spring clean.
I’ve recently come to the conclusion that I can’t expect the love of my life to walk through the door if he has to push his way past a bunch of men and relationship baggage crowding up the doorway - and neither should you.
I’ve been single for over a year but there are still a handful of peripheral love interests kicking around on the sidelines. There’s nothing wrong with any of these guys - they’re just there: relationships that for, whatever reason, have failed to launch thanks to time, distance or incompatibilities when it comes to commitment - but these quasi relationships are holding me back.
In other words, it’s time to Marie Kondo my dating life.
It appears that I’m not the only person who’s had this on their mind. Shannon Colleary a relationship/dating coach and author of the new book, She Dated the #Asshats but Married the Good Guy: How to go from Toxic Love to Real Love in 12 Exercises, has released a list of six kinds of men women should spring clean from their lives.
Colleary’s list includes guys like Mr. Mopes A Lot (“he resists doing anything for you or the relationship. He especially doesn't want to get to know your friends, family or anyone who truly loves you because he actually knows he's not treating you well and realizes they will sense it”) and Mr. One-Way Street (“he has needs, but you can't have any...if you ask him to just be on time for a date he acts like you're asking him to drywall your entire apartment.”)
After making a lot of questionable dating choices in my 20’s, I now equate the men Colleary describes with a bad tribal tattoo: I can spot them from a block away. In my thirties I’ve learned that relationship warning signs are often much more subtle. In addition to the various men Colleary describes, here’s a few more types of people you should consider cleansing from your romantic life for good.
1. THE GUY WHO CAN'T GIVE YOU WHAT YOU WANT
Whether you want marriage and babies or just a clear definition of your relationship, this person is only able to commit to a point. He’s willing to spend all his time with you, but resists calling you his girlfriend. He wants to continue to live with you indefinitely but marriage is out of the question. You want to build a family, but he’d rather adopt another ten golden retrievers. Wanting different things doesn’t make someone a bad person. It just means you’re not getting what you want out of the relationship. If you’ve consistently expressed your needs and the other person isn’t willing to move forward, it’s time to let them go.
2. THE GUY YOU KEEP AROUND TO STROKE YOUR EGO
He’d be the perfect partner if it wasn’t for X, Y or Z. But he’s into you. While you know you’re a catch, sometimes it’s nice to hear it from someone else. With that said, this relationship isn’t fair to either of you.
3. THE GUY WHO DOES THE BARE MINIMUM TO KEEP YOU INTERESTED
You have to initiate everything. If he does initiate a date it’s usually something that doesn’t require forethought, preparation or for him to leave the house. Just when you’re ready to write him off completely, he’ll do or say something kind-of-sort-of-sweet that will convince you to give him yet another chance. When you finally work up the courage to tell him what you really want out of the relationship, he’ll dodge the subject and say something about how “he can’t handle high maintenance women.” FYI, you’re not high maintenance, he’s just low effort.
4. THE AGING COMMITMENT-PHOBE
Maybe he’s divorced. Maybe he’s never been married. Maybe he’s nearing 45 and he says he’s “still got wild oats to sow.” He tells you that he’s not dating anyone else, but he wants to “keep his options open.” If none of this jives with you there’s only two words left to say: #BoyBye.
Spring cleaning is one thing, but how do we keep from falling into similar situations in the future? Colleary says it starts by showing yourself some empathy. “Become aware you are not the cause of any man showing up late, not calling when he said he would or having suspicious interactions with other women. Accept the fact that no amount of empathy towards him will change, control or cure him of being sketchy,” she says.
Lastly, stick to your guns. Follow words with action. If the person isn’t able to be the kind of partner you need, have the courage to walk away. Ladies, let’s clear that doorway.