2017 summer movie predictions — we forecast the biggest winners and losers coming to a theatre near you
Summer movie preview 2017
Nobody wants to make a bad movie.
Nobody wants to see one, either.
But it happens.
Anticipation runs high for a lot of the big upcoming summer movies.
Sadly, that doesn’t mean they can’t fail.
Remember last year when all those big movies — Deepwater Horizon, Alice Through the Looking Glass, The Huntsman: Winter’s War etc. — turned out to be duds?
The same thing will happen this summer, and that’s too bad, because every year the lion’s share of money is spent on fewer and fewer movies.
An expensive flop costs everyone.
By the same token, some of the summer’s upcoming films will be massive hits, and that’s cause for celebration.
Let’s try to predict which summer movies will falter and which will soar:
Happy to be proven wrong, but we have our doubts about these 10:
Baywatch (May 25)
Everyone loves The Rock and Zac Efron is good at mocking himself, so maybe this comedy has a chance — but with whom? The TV show has been over a long time, so it’s not as if there’s some irony-loving youth audience desperate to see the thing ... David Hasselhoff cameos notwithstanding.
Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales (May 26)
Hope springs eternal, yes, but no matter how much you love Johnny Depp, this franchise was tired after the second instalment.
The Emoji Movie (July 28)
Family fun? We draw the line at Sir Patrick Stewart voicing a turd.
The House (June 30)
This looks painfully not funny. Will Ferrell yelling his lines just doesn’t do it; still, the filmmaker here, Andrew Cohen, wrote Neighbours and Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates, so maybe someone will find this humorous. Just not us.
The Mummy (June 9)
Sure the trailer looks exciting, but why this story? Why Tom Cruise? Why now?
It all feels weirdly dated. And we’re all supposed to look forward to the Universal Monsters shared universe — and welcome the Invisible Man with Johnny Depp, and a new Wolf Man and Count Dracula, too.
Fangs? Fur? With a real monster in the White House, these throwback villains just look silly.
Cars 3 (June 16)
Please: no more talking car sequels. Find better ways to amuse your children.
Rough Night (June 16)
I really admire most of the cast, which includes Scarlett Johansson and Kate McKinnon, but this looks ghastly. And derivative. It’s immediately off-putting to see Jillian Bell used as a ‘big girl’ visual joke — that’s all you could find for a comic actress this talented to do? For shame.
Transformers: The Last Knight (June 23)
How much suckage can one sequel contain? You can wedge some Arthurian legend and plenty of expository chat in Anthony Hopkins’ dulcet tones into the story but you’re still left with a bunch of idiotic fighting machines, dubious special effects and Michael Bay. Forage fest.
War for the Planet of the Apes (July 14)
This is the third film in the rebooted Planet of the Apes franchise and what feels like the 287th sequel since the first movie was released in 1968. Do we really need 50 years of time travel and monkey makeup to establish that humans are cruel, smug and stupid? Really?
The Dark Tower (August 4)
Worrisome how the date for this movie keeps changing, and how there isn’t so much as a trailer to let anyone get a glimpse at what to expect. These are not good signs. Fingers crossed that it’s all some huge cosmic misunderstanding.
With Guardians Of The Galaxy Vol. 2 ready to start absorbing millions at the box office Friday, May 5, let’s contemplate five other sure winners:
Snatched (May 12)
Women have waited a long time to see Goldie Hawn back in action and Amy Schumer has her own army of followers, so yeah — this should be comedy gold, with or without the help of the usual target demographic of young men 18-35.
Alien: Covenant (May 19)
Two generations of stalwart fans are waiting around to be terrified in the best way. And everyone is thrilled to see Ridley Scott directing the action. Let this be great!
It Comes At Night (June 9)
We have a hunch that filmmaker Trey Edward Shults knows exactly what scares you … and it’s what you bring to the party, not the monsters therein. Amen.
Dunkirk (July 21)
Who doesn’t want to see a war movie about a time when people could still be fooled by their craven leaders into thinking there was a higher cause?
Huge battle scenes + nostalgia = cha-china!
Shame about all the dead lads.
Atomic Blonde (July 28)
The huge appeal of watching Charlize Theron thrash bad guys in a bloody-minded, violent espionage thriller is probably something to take up with your therapist.