Can you feel it? Spring is here! And with that, comes spring fever. It’s everywhere.
In fact, you may already have a bad case of spring fever and not even know it. Here, then, are five signs you’re suffering from what I like to call seasonal horny disorder.
But be warned, as far as treatment options go, there is only one cure for this hormonally charged condition: A good ole fashioned pelvic-ramming – the kind that leaves a dent on your head-board.
Now, that may sound extreme, but trust me, this is no time for a sweet and tender slow jam. You need the Christ banged out of you – and STAT. Which reminds me, Happy Easter everyone!
1.) Chocolate Bingeing
Ladies, you know what I’m talking about here. You start upping your daily in take of the dark stuff, one tasty square at a time until you eventually max out at one theatre-sized bar a night. True, organic dark chocolate is actually good for you in moderation. But if you’re riding the cocoa bean all night long in front of the TV, chances are you’re compensating for something else.
2.) X-rated Dreaming
There’s nothing quite as disturbing as having sexually explicit dreams about people who physically repulse you in your waking life. Well, I’m no dream analysis expert, but if you’re dreaming about that middle management d-bag at work – you know the one with dog breath, flood pants and greasy smeared specs – you’ve probably got an advanced case of spring fever.
3.) Bottom Trawling
Do you find something attractive about almost every one you come in contact with lately – regardless of whether he/she is your type. Do you catch yourself thinking, “You know if that that person had a different haircut, some better clothes and a personality transplant, he wouldn’t be half bad?” If so, that’s a sure sign that you’ve got an itch that needs scratching. However, and I can’t stress this enough, that doesn’t mean you should lower your expectations to get the job done.
4.) Facebook Creeping
Are you fishing around Facebook in the hopes of tracking down an old flame? If so, proceed with caution. You could be only one poke away from making an online booty call. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, but keep in mind, there’s a probably a good reason you broke up in the first place.
5.) Big Screen Squirming
When you go to the movies, do you find yourself restlessly moving around in your seat during the love scenes? More importantly, did you find the Avatar mating scene hot? Then, you, my friend, are hornier than an aging rock star at a porn convention. So here’s hoping you meet someone before the warrantee on your trusty massage shower head expires.
