I don't want an election. Canadians don't want an election.
- Federal Liberal leader Michael Ignatieff
I'm a political pundit - it's just what I do.
So when I heard very disturbing reports that there might not be a federal election this summer I sprang into action.
Canada doesn't want an election? Canada needs an election, dammit!
How else can we pundits pontificate endlessly about the horse race, trash the parties' campaigns, belittle the candidates and look oh so smart while doing it?
And what else would Canadians have to talk about?
The weather? Don't make me sick!
Anyway, I knew there was only one organized crime group that could pull off this no-election caper - the Parliament Hill Gang!
And quite the collection they are - they've taken more money from innocent Canadians than if Al Capone, Ronald Biggs and Bernie Madoff joined forces!
Here's the rundown - Gilles "Frenchy" Duceppe. Calls his Bloc Quebecois election campaign plane "Deb-o-naire" - too cute by demi.
Jack "The 'Stache" Layton.
Who'd ever thunk an NDP leader would become hero to every used car dealer in the country?
Layton's about as trustworthy with your family silverware - he'd nationalize Tim Hortons if he could get away with it.
There's Michael "Count Iggy" Ignatieff. Also known as "The Professor" and "That American Guy."
Then the gang boss - for now - Stephen "Thugsy" Harper, a.k.a."Little Stevie Blunder" and "Helmet Hair".
No election eh? Who's wise idea was that?
I grilled 'em like a sockeye salmon on Canada Day.
"Who's holdin' out on callin' an election? Talk or I send you out to a media scrum wearing another hair net!" I threatened Duceppe.
"Mais, je ne connais pas, rien," he whimpered.
"Don't know nuttin' eh?" I sneered.
I didn't even bother with Layton - once he starts talkin' he never shuts up.
Iggy was smilin' like a Cheshire cat and Harper, well, I could just tell somethin' was up between those two.
"Listen you punks, Canada needs an election this summer - I got nuttin' to write about," I yelled.
They looked at their feet like choir boys caught smokin'.
They knew I was right.
"Sorry - what was we thinkin' bout?" Iggy replied, dropping his usual pompous pronouncements.
"I dunno what came over me," Harper added. "This cooperation crap is stoopid!"
I decided to go easy on 'em.
"I'm gonna give you till September to call an election on a count of I'm a charitable kinda guy," I said. "But I tell youse, any more deals and my press gallery goons will rub out the lot of you - now get outta my sight!"
It's a tough job some days but hey, I'm a political pundit - it's what I do.
Read more from Bill Tieleman at www.thetyee.ca Hear Bill Mondays at 10 a.m. on CKNW AM 980's Bill Good Show. Email: weststar@telus.net Website: billtieleman.blogspot.com
