I've read the data and believe me, nothing quite sends a jubilation endorphin to my brain faster than knowing the regular flu will kill a ton more people this season than H1N1 will. Cel-e-brate good times ... come on!
That said, I still tend to avoid all high-risk crowded areas like it's the plague. That's why I was quite disappointed in myself when I made the mistake of trying to scratch the middle of my brain with a Q-tip. The result: Stone deaf in one ear and a date with an ear flushing at the local walk-in clinic. Or as I prefer to call it, Swine Flu Ground Zero.
This place looked like the Bataan Death March finish line. Every second person was bent over coughing. And not just any cough, the infamous "productive cough." Interesting that no one's ever embraced the term productive gas? What feels better than that?
As I checked in, I was shocked to learn the office was completely void of any hand sanitizer. That's like sitting in the waiting room outside Paris Hilton's boudoir only to be told by the receptionist they're all out of penicillin.
Just then, a rather scantily dressed girl walked in and told the receptionist she had a fever and figured it must be a chest cold or something. I got news for you, honey -- it ain't no chest cold. That's just your extreme pre-winter cleavage talking.
With all sickly eyes on her, the receptionist -- no doubt slathered in Purell -- called the next patient.
Seeing this, Swine Floozy made a beeline to the counter. The receptionist quickly reminded her she needed to wait her turn and then promptly called out, "Mr. Swift?" Music to my ear.
As I passed Swine Floozy on her shame walk back to her seat, I thought "Looks like my flush beats your pair."
Happy Pandemic!
HERE ARE MY TOP 5 SWINE FLU AUCTIONS
To view these oddities in their natural habitat simply type the item number on the eBay browser.
No. 5: Swine Flu T-Shirt ... "Yeah, I got your medicine right here" (Brooklyn accent sold separately). Item number: 150386036102
No. 4: Swine Flu Mask ... Act now and we'll throw in an attachable beak for bird flu season. Item number: 190347291590
No. 3: 1977 National Enquirer ... To think it took them 32 years to finally come out with the sequel, Swine Flu II. Item number: 230397391522
No. 2: www.coughintoyourelbow.com ... Come for the $3,500 domain name, stay for the world class graphic. Item number: 220506909632
No. 1: Pandemic Avoidance Kit ... The Panic Profiteer's Special. Ten masks and a tiny bottle of Purell for $35. Item number: 390116051838
-- CONTACT DEVON AT DEVON_SWIFT@YAHOO.COM OR FIND HIM ON FACEBOOK AND TWITTER.
