It is with great sadness that I announce this column will be going on hold for a couple — OK, five – weeks.
You’re probably wondering how you’re going to cope without my bitter commentary, or where you’re going to direct your hate mail. But rest assured, I’ll be back in January — and so will American Idol, The Bachelor and countless other time-wasters.
Happy holidays, and stay tuned for my list of the top reality TV moments of ’09.
SUNDAY
The Amazing Race 15
Aren’t Harlem Globetrotters supposed to play fair? Maybe someone should tell that to Flight Time and Big Easy. Between psyching out waterslide-phobic Mika a few weeks ago and sabotaging Meghan and Cheyne on the aerial rope course this week, the ballers are playing a dirty, dirty game. Though it did save them from elimination in Prague. Oh, wait, everyone – including last place team Brian and Ericka – was safe. They’ve really got to stop it with the lame non-elimination legs.
MONDAY
Dancing With the Stars
Finals week usually means perfect 30s (or at least 29s) across the board, but that was only the case for superstar Mya. Kelly Osbourne and Donny Osmond continued to cruise along on their charm – a tactic that worked well for their freestyle routines (Donny’s showy Hollywood number, especially) but not so much for the Megamix danceoff. Speaking of which, what’s up with the weekly danceoffs this season? We know Kelly’s hips move like a mechanical bull’s while Mya’s mid-section can gyrate like a drunken buckin’ bronco, but do they have to put them side-by-side on the floor so we can compare? Furthermore, how does Ozzy feel about that?
TUESDAY
Dancing With the Stars (finale)
Eat your heart out, Marie! While Sis came on third a few seasons back, Donny became the first (and the last?) Osmond to win DWTS this week. And Marie could not hide her faux-excitement for her bro when he pulled her on the floor and forced her to hoist his and partner Kym Johnson’s tacky new trophy (I smelled a post-show sibling spar!). My excitement, on the other hand, was real because that meant the unfairly advantaged Mya didn’t make off with the hardware. And as much as Kelly Osbourne deserved the Most Improved award, she couldn’t come in first on popularity alone. It was a lovely ending – but didn’t get me nearly as giddy as Aaron and Karina’s encore performance of their Muppet Show quickstep, introduced by Miss Piggy herself. And let’s not forget Whitney Houston, who reminded us that she still wants to dance with somebody -- and Jerry Springer and Cloris Leachman, whose mambos reminded us why they were voted off early in their seasons.
So You Think You Can Dance
Everything retro was new again, as Ellenore and Ryan Lindy-hopped all over the place and Mollee and Nathan literally kicked it old skool with a can-can. Sure, any SYT fan under the age of 40 (which is pretty much every SYT fan) probably thinks the can-can choreography was inspired by the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders, but I would have taken either over Karen and Victor’s snoozy hip-hop routine. And pretty much everything other performance this week.
The Biggest Loser
Yeah, there’s a new TBL record of some sort set every week. But Danny’s double-digit losses for seven straight weeks are most impressive in my books. He dropped a whopping 16, making Rudy look like a slacker with 12. Clearly they were safe, but after a financial lesson with money maven Suze Orman, a challenge where they really carried their weight around, and yet another excruciating last-chance workout, it was Liz and Allen who wound up under the yellow line. And since firefighter Allen had gone from fire hazard to calendar boy, it only made sense to release him back to the world.
WEDNESDAY
So You Think You Can Dance
I swear, you can’t watch a reality show – or an awards show – these days without seeing Shakira wildly thrusting around with Madonna’s backup dancers. Please, producers: Make it stop. Between the sexy lip-syncher’s air humps, this week’s bottom six danced for their lives – and ballroomer Karen and contemporary dancer Victor (and his Spandex) failed to survive.
THURSDAY
Survivor: Samoa
Recap episode. Do you really want me to rehash Russell’s schemes and the Great Chicken Chase of Samoa, or can we just get on with the freaking finale, already? Yeah, thought so.
