Tips to be a 'Real Housewives' star 0
New Jersey "Housewives" star Teresa Giudice enjoys a relaxing meal with friends. (Handout)
When "The Real Housewives of Vancouver" debuts Wednesday night, it will become the ninth installment in a reality TV franchise that features the lives of shameless socialites from various locales.
But since their counterparts in Atlanta, Beverly Hills, Orange County, New Jersey, New York City, Miami, Athens and even Israel have had a head start soiling their family names, the Vancouver ladies might need a little help catching up.
Here are 10 tips on how to become the breakout “Real Housewives” star everyone will love to hate.
Think classy, act trashy
Underneath all the Chanel and Versace should lurk a monster truck-sized temper, a sailor’s mouth, and a soccer hooligan’s destructiveness ready to pounce no matter the time or place. Duke it out at a fashion show, baby shower, or even a christening - the more people who see it, the better. Atlanta housewife Sheree Whitfield took her beef with co-star Kim Zolciak to the street outside a crowded restaurant. Even though Whitfield tried to rip Zolciak’s wig off while fighting on the sidewalk, she went home that night still believing she was one classy lady because she owns expensive shoes and was once married to a football player. Lack of self-awareness will get you everywhere on this show.
Have money problems.
This seems a little contradictory to the show’s premise, but financial woes have been popping up a lot lately for these pampered people. So far, there have been two major “Housewives” bankruptcy cases (New Jersey’s Teresa Guidice and New York City’s Sonja Morgan) and quite a few other cast members have had to tighten their Gucci purse strings because of the unstable American economy. The Orange County housewives have been hit the hardest since many in the cast and their spouses have lived off the housing boom as real estate agents or contractors. After the mortgage crisis, numerous OC housewives have since down-scaled to smaller homes, and two seasons ago, former cast mate Lynne Curtin and her family were evicted. Remember, no matter how often your credit card is declined, tell everyone the media reports are “greatly exaggerated” and that your finances are “fine”.
Make sure to change the face/body you were born with.
There aren’t many natural women left on the series. Look the part with spray tans, hair extensions, teeth whiteners, fake eyelashes and nails, collagen injections, breast implants and lifts, Botox, and nose jobs. Several of the women (Adrienne Maloof from Beverly Hills and Heather Dubrow from Orange County) have even married a plastic surgeon. This is a wise move that will undoubtedly save them hundreds of thousands in medical bills.
Spar with a man
Get guaranteed screen time with an acrimonious marriage or split. Often there are two or more women from the same series splitting with a spouse at the same time (Tamra Barney and Vicki Gunvalson from Orange County; Whitfield and NeNe Leakes from Atlanta), so you’ll want to amp up the dramatics with tears and screaming matches to get the most close ups.
Wear designer clothes meant for women 10-15 years younger.
The housewives like a lower neckline, shorter skirt, and higher platform heel than most their age. Remember: chronologically you are middle-aged, but that neck-lift is brand new.
Act like you're in high school
Pretend the 25 years since prom never happened and any maturity, wisdom, and new perspective on life have disappeared. Replace this void with cattiness towards other women. Be the Mean Girl you were as a teen, or the one you promised yourself you would never become. Treat the whole world as if they are standing in the way of your homecoming-queen crown. For inspiration, look no further than Beverly Hills housewife Kim Richards (Paris Hilton’s aunt) who hid another cast member’s crutches to torment her at a party.
Walk around with a goblet of wine.
No matter the occasion or time of day. You’ll get extra points from the producers if your tolerance for booze is low. Before you know it, you’ll be slurring your words, and throwing a drink in someone’s face.
Be bats--t crazy
The most talked about housewives are the ones who become unhinged from reality when provoked. The ones easily overtaken by rage and susceptible to demon-like possession are the show’s bread and butter. This is how New Jersey housewife Teresa Giudice first made a name for herself in the world of reality TV. She famously toppled over a table in the middle of a restaurant when angered by another cast mate. And look at her now – she’s famous enough to star on “Celebrity Apprentice” and that’s something, right? In short, when in doubt – toss a table.
Remember, there’s no such thing as T.M.I. (Too Much Information)
Talking openly about your sex life is a good start – but if you really want some attention, make sure to take the camera crews with you to the sex shop. And why stop there? Atlanta housewife Kandi Burress has taken this sex stuff one step further by creating a franchise that includes a line of sex toys and an after dark sex-themed talk show. In the “Real Housewives” world – the words “enough”, “I don’t care” and “spare us” don’t exist.
Record a pop song
Hey, if Adele can do it, why not you? No talent? No problem! Just hook up with an ill-advised DJ who knows how to disguise your flat notes with autotune and overpowering dance beats. The song will give you a few weeks of bragging rights as a “recording artist”, but will eventually join these tunes at the bottom of a landfill.
Luann De Lesseps: Money Can't Buy You Class
Melissa Gorga: On Display
Kim Zolciak: Tardy for the Party
Gretchen Rossi: Nothing without you
Danielle Staub: Real Close
The Real Housewives of Vancouver debuts Wednesday, April 4 at 9 PM ET on Slice.