Never have I had a greater urge to toss the casts of The Hills and The City into a boxing ring and watch them go at it.
Just the thought of villainous Hills couple Speidi having an encounter with City girl Whitney Port's designer stiletto is rather magical. Never gonna happen -- but still, magical.
Though it will be interesting to see who kicks whose you-know-what in ratings when both of MTV's bread-and-butter docudramas premiere this week.
On Tuesday, the second half of The Hills' fifth season gets underway in L.A. with protagonist Lauren Conrad being replaced by her Laguna Beach rival Kristin Cavallari -- widely known as "The Bitch."
Cavallari -- who gets along with baby-hungry Heidi Montag and her hubby Spencer Pratt -- is slated to flirt with Audrina Patridge's man Justin "Bobby" Brescia and ultimately turn the increasingly simulated "real-life" series upside down.
Wednesday's Season 2 premiere of The City will see ex-Hills star Whitney Port continue pursuing fashion in posh Manhattan while battling snooty socialites, putting up with an old L.A. pal and getting involved with a guy who looks like a Ken doll.
With Whitney so worried about work, The City could potentially be a drag. Then again, with no L.C., The Hills could easily go down -- well, you know.
Time will tell. For now, let's put the faux shows up against each other -- minus the ring.
Leading Ladies
One can only imagine how Lauren feels about her nemesis Cavallari taking over and bitch-ifying the Laguna Beach spinoff she started. Poor L.C. And just think of the viewers, who'll be left with no real Hills heroine to latch on to (Audrina = too yawn, Stephanie = too bratty, Lo = too chatty, etc.). Since WhitWhit still wears the heels on her coast, The City gets to put the first point on the board.
The Hills: 0 The City: 1
Catty Characters
Whitney's frenemy Olivia Palermo has enough hiss and scratch in her to get fashion boss Kelly Cutrone eating out of her claws (maybe). But instead of loving to hate her impossibly polished designer-labeled self, I'd rather just hate it. What's more fun is dogging Mr. & Mrs. Pratt's hopeless quest for attention (because they're sure as hell not getting it from each other), which involves getting into tiffs with anyone less irritating than they are (aka everyone). And to think, Cavallari is about to top every scam they've ever pulled -- probably in Tuesday's episode alone. Love it. I mean -- hate it. Bah, just give The Hills a point.
The Hills: 1 The City: 1
Hot Hook-ups
Hook-ups? Who on The City has time for hook-ups? With rocker Jay out of the picture, WhitWhit will be far too busy furthering her career to worry about silly boys. But that's OK; I think Cavallari's upcoming fling with Audrina's off-again Justin Bobby will be juicy enough to keep the world satisfied. The Hills, ahem, scores again.
The Hills: 2 The City: 1
Cubicle Chatter
It all started on The Hills: Those tender moments where L.C. would spill the scandalous events of the previous night all over her desk for then-coworker Whitney's -- and our -- listening pleasure. Well that was then -- and now, I'm not sure anyone on the show knows what the inside of a cubicle looks like (what is it that Brody Jenner does for a living again? Besides dating centrefolds?). Workaholic Whitney is now the one who shares night-before tales with her revolving 9-to-5 BFFs in NYC. That gets her show a point.
The Hills: 2 The City: 2
Fierce Fashion
Whitney is no stranger to the worst-dressed list. And yet, her tattered boy jeans and ridiculous hats are somehow superior to the cheeky hemlines and buoyant breasts so frequently sported in her flashier hometown. Besides, Whitney does live in chic Manhattan, and she does work for THE Diane von Furstenerg - so she probably knows what she's doing when she puts on those '90s sunglasses, right? Let's just go ahead and give this one to The City.
The Hills: 2 The City: 3
Social Skills
Statements like "It's So-and-So's birthday tonight" and "Let's go to Cabo" are music to my ears when I'm watching The Hills. It's a known fact that both events immediately lead to D-R-A-M-A. If there weren't parties for the she-villain de jour to crash and sexy vacays where someone-single spends the night in someone-with-a-girlfriend's hotel room, the show would consist of a bunch of beautiful twentysomethings sitting around discussing their jobs. Kinda like The City.
The Hills: 3 The City: 3
The Final Word:
It's a tie, kids. But with all cards on the table, I think I'm going to stick with the skankier, guiltier pleasure of the two (and we all know what that is). Besides, The City folk aren't fooling anyone by trying to focus on their careers. The MTV show IS their career. At least those still left on The Hills aren't even trying to deny that anymore.
LINDSEY.WARD@SUNMEDIA.CA
