QUOTE OF THE WEEK: "I know it wasn't rape-rape. I think it was something else, but I don't believe it was rape-rape."
Whoopi Goldberg distinguishes herself by making the most stupid-stupid of all the stupid statements made in defence of child molester Roman Polanski.
BLATHER: 1) "You're learning how to live in a holistic way with the cycles of the Earth. At one point I was digging goat manure and putting it into a wheelbarrow, and while shovelling it, I just went, 'Oh, my God, this is exactly what I want to be doing right now.' "
Ellen Page explains to USA Today that she's not a movie star, she's a Canadian.
2) "I'm not even kidding, my wife -- OK, I'm gonna get crass here -- but we're barely having sex because I'm scared that she's gonna have a baby. That's the level our marriage is on right now. I'm not even kidding -- my wife has me debating cutting off my nuts."
Sparkling wit Spencer Pratt reveals why he and his lovely wife, Heidi Montag, are always in demand socially with the rest of the bright young things.
3) "Absolutely. I know I could ... You have to help them, give them therapy, teach them that somewhere, something in their life went wrong."
Michael Jackson tells how he'd help set Hitler straight -- yes, that Hitler -- in the UK Sun. The newspaper quoted Jackson's friend, Rabbi Shmuley Boteach, who taped Jackson talking in the past.
4) "This will enable Kate and me to restore our relationship as co-operative parents and to open up our lines of communication. I hope that she will be as receptive and enthusiastic as I am to do what is best for our family."
Jon Gosselin tells InStyle he's switching Olympic events and dropping out of Mindless Rutting to go for the gold in Projectile Vomiting Impetus. Good luck, wanker!
DRIVEL: 1) "I have managed to keep my son off the reality show and cast him in his very own and wonderfully private life. I mean, seriously -- remember the Diff'rent Strokes kids? Enough said."
Mary Jo Eustace, from her book Divorce Sucks (in the N.Y. Daily News), talks about keeping her son with ex-husband Dean McDermott off McDermott and Tori Spelling's reality show.
2) "It's strange because even though the figures show that the books were successful and sold millions of copies, you couldn't even buy them in London. Hardly anyone I knew had read them. I had no idea at all."
Potential airhead Robert Pattinson tells AnOther Man magazine he was surprised by the overwhelming response to the Twilight movie.
3) He's so sweet. He checks in with me all the time. I probably should do the same, but you know me. I think he gets it now that I'm a little, shall we say, self-involved."
Madonna, 51, manages to talk about her boyfriend, Jesus Luz, 22, and still make it all about her. Several reports suggest that Madonna will either marry Luz before the year is up or find him a good foster home.
4) "I do travel with a lot of snacks. I was concerned about the food in Bora Bora, and so I packed a lot. I like knowing what I'm eating. I don't like mystery dishes."
Kristen Bell, who took her own food along to film Couples Retreat in Bora Bora, explains why Americans are respected the world over for their endless cultural sophistication.
CELEBRITY LOVE IS IN THE AIR. OR NOT: Jude Law is alleged to be refusing to see his newborn daughter with Samantha Burke until a DNA test proves he is the father ... Two and a Half Men star Jon Cryer and wife Lisa Joyner have adopted a baby girl ... Claire Danes and Hugh Dancy -- who is a shinier, British version of Danes' ex, Billy Crudup -- have married ... Ben Lee (another of Claire Danes' former boyfriends) and Ione Skye have a baby daughter ... Fred Durst and his wife of three months, Esther Nazarov, are kaput. Place your Limp Bizkit joke here, boys and girls.
CELEBRITY SKELETONS IN THE CLOSET: "I had slept with five men and made more than L50,000, which paid my drug debts and a deposit on a flat. Now I could escape."
Sophie Anderton, troubled model and British reality TV star, explains to the UK Mirror that a brief stint at prostitution helped her pay her drug debts. She probably didn't intend to make it all sound so appealing.
CELEBRITY WRETCHED EXCESS: England's Closer magazine reports that Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes have spent a small fortune on their daughter's wardrobe. Suri Cruise is dressed in designer outfits by Giorgio Armani, Donatella Versace, Roberto Cavalli and Burberry. The child also wears Christian Louboutin shoes.
LIZ.BRAUN@SUNMEDIA.CA
