Live from the Octomom Pavilion in Fresno, Calif., it’s the 2009 Slammy Awards!
Welcome to our annual roundup of celebrity and pseudo-celebrity behaviour (it’s hard to tell the difference these days) that attracted the unwanted attention of enquiring minds. And, in some cases, the police.
As usual, we want to thank the Academy Bar & Grill for all their support.
Now, to the awards...
THE ‘APPLE, MEET TREE’ SLAMMY: To Brawley Nolte, Nick Nolte’s son, who was arrested for DUI in October.
THE ‘WOODS, MEET TREE’ SLAMMY: Too stupid to keep your mistress’s name and number off your iPhone? Sorry, there’s no app for that.
THE ‘BEST NEW EUPHEMISM’ SLAMMY: To Gov. Mark Sanford, who, having run off with his Argentine girlfriend, said he’d been “hiking the Appalachian trail.” Try that one next time your wife busts you, Tiger.
THE ‘MISSED OPPORTUNITIES’ SLAMMY: To Kellogg’s, which dropped spokesperson Michael Phelps over smoking a bong at a party. Excuse me? A food company rejecting the “munchies” demo? Who do you think eats Coco Pops anyway? Case in point...
THE ‘ANYBODY GOT A LUMOS?’ SLAMMY: The Harry Potter actor who plays Draco Malfoy’s fat sidekick, Crabbe, was busted with allegedly $3,000 worth of pot. You don’t get a body like that without a whole lot of Coco Pops.
THE ‘SCUMDOG MILLIONAIRE’ SLAMMY: For the weirdness that followed Slumdog’s Oscar fete, with a report of a father trying to sell his film-star daughter. If you’re going to exploit your child, do it legally — by signing her to a studio contract.
THE ‘WHAT HAPPENS IN BANGKOK...’ SLAMMY: To David Carradine, R.I.P., who sent millions of people to their laptops to Google “autoerotic asphyxiation.”
THE ‘YOU WOULDN’T LIKE ME WHEN I’M ANGRY’ SLAMMY: To Christian Bale, who — judging by that viral audio clip — was filming Terminator Salvation but thought it was The Incredible Hulk.
THE ‘NOT ALWAYS SO GOOD, AND SO LITTLE’ SLAMMY: To fugitive statutory rapist Roman Polanski, who made bail for Christmas and got to spend the holidays with his family at a Swiss chalet.
THE ‘I DEMAND A RECOUNT!’ SLAMMY: To Kanye West, who cemented his raging butthole rep by rushing the stage to denounce Taylor Swift’s win over Beyonce at the MTV Video Music Awards. Where was he when Marisa Tomei won that Oscar?
THE ‘OF COURSE YOU’RE ON MY TOP-10 LIST!’ SLAMMY: To David Letterman. I’m guessing there’ll be some awkward silences the next time he has Tiger Woods as a guest. (“So what’s new?” “Nothin’, you?” “Not much”)
THE ‘I STILL DON’T GET WHAT THE FUSS IS ABOUT’ SLAMMY: To Chris Brown for beating up Rihanna. If you want to say something socially useful, denounce THAT Kanye! Oh wait, I forgot, you defended him.
THE ‘WE’LL ALWAYS HAVE PEREZ’ SLAMMY: To Perez Hilton, who managed to make the MuchMusic Video Awards all about him by getting into that slapfight with the Black Eyed Peas’ manager.
THE ‘WE’LL ALWAYS HAVE PEREZ 2’ SLAMMY: To Perez Hilton, for asking a surgically enhanced beauty queen her views on gay marriage and making a celebrity out of Carrie Prejean.
THE ‘FATHER OF THE YEAR’ SLAMMY: To Jon Gosselin.
THE ‘FATHER OF THE YEAR — 1978’ SLAMMY: To Mackenzie Phillips, who accused Papa John of incest eight years after his death, getting herself uninvited from the family Thanksgiving. Among things the Phillipses gave thanks for: They’re actually a pretty normal family, compared to the O’Neals.
THE ‘DADDY’S LITTLE MAN’ SLAMMY: To “Balloon Boy.” A future reality-TV star is born.
