Rating:
*** = Ho-ho
** = So-so
* = No-no
***********************************
’Twas weeks before Christmas, and like every year,
I had holiday CDs right up to here;
Some were quite rootsy, others quite cutesy,
Some were quite sappy and some were … well, crappy;
But I listened to all of them — and did so with care,
I listened until I could rip out my hair;
Why did I do it? Well, I’ll tell you why;
I did it so you would know which ones to buy.
Happy holidays!
Aliqua
All I Want
*1/2
Hark! These eight Vancouver angels sweetly sing classic chorals, contemporized carols and a few breathy a cappella pieces. You’ll sleep in heavenly peace.
DOWNLOAD: Winter Wonderland
Tori Amos
Midwinter Graces
**1/2
Singer-pianist Amos goes for baroque-rock with her first holiday release, blending traditional works with ethereal new originals while eschewing sexuality for sincerity.
DOWNLOAD: Pink and Glitter
Aqua Teen Hunger Force
Have Yourself a Meaty Little Christmas
**1/2
No gold, frankincense or myrrh — just Adult Swim’s fast-food cartoon heroes Meatwad, Frylock and Master Shake, belting out demented ditties that make South Park seem tame.
DOWNLOAD: Santa Left a Booger in My Stocking w/ Neko Case
David Archuleta
Christmas From the Heart
*
Remember last year’s AmIdol runnerup? No? Well, you won’t remember this limp collection of blandly crooned, piano-pop carols five minutes after it ends, either.
DOWNLOAD: Pat-a-Pan
The Beach Boys
Christmas Harmonies
**
Talk about regifting: It’s the Boys’ 1964 Christmas album yet again, but with a few tunes replaced with more recent cuts. Why not just reissue 1998’s Ultimate Christmas?
DOWNLOAD: Little Saint Nick
Andrea Bocelli
My Christmas
*1/2
The CD equivalent of a holiday TV special, this syrupy David Foster-produced outing teams the tenor with everyone from Mary J. Blige to The Muppets. Bizarre.
DOWNLOAD: Blue Christmas w/ Reba McEntire
Canadian Christmas 4
Various Artists
*1/2
Sit back and enjoy northern lights like Diana Krall, Anne Murray, Colin James, The Band and more. Looking for new original material? Look somewhere else.
DOWNLOAD: Serena Ryder’s Calling to Say
Canadian Tenors
The Perfect Gift
*
These grandma-friendly orchestrated hymns are only the perfect gift for anyone who doesn’t already own Il Divo’s suspiciously similar 2005 Christmas Collection.
DOWNLOAD: O Holy Night
Rodney Carrington
Make it Christmas
*
Redneck comic and country singer Carrington plays it straight with a generic batch of swinging carols and sappy ballads — and not one joke about Santa’s sack, surprisingly.
DOWNLOAD: The Presents Under the Tree (Better be for Me)
Neil Diamond
A Cherry Cherry Christmas
*1/2
Well, it isn’t all cherry. Only five of the recordings on this giant cheeseball are new — the rest have been pulled from the Jewish Elvis’s previous holiday albums.
DOWNLOAD: The Chanukah Song
Bob Dylan
Christmas in the Heart
**1/2
The only thing weirder than the concept of Zimmy sincerely croaking holiday hymns over sincere seasonal strains? How unexpectedly enjoyable the reality turns out to be.
DOWNLOAD: Must be Santa
A Family Christmas
Various Artists
**1/2
World-music label Putumayo offers up a typically tasteful and eclectic comp of rootsy coffeehouse gems from Martin Sexton, Sam Bush, Deana Carter and others.
DOWNLOAD: Leon Redbone’s Let it Snow
Family Force 5
Christmas Pageant
**
Crunk-rock around the Christmas tree as these Georgian Christians inject 10 holiday hits with hip-hop grooves, metallic guitars and cheesy keyboards.
Download: My Favourite Things
From the Heart Christmas
Various Artists
*1/2
One new song — Rob Thomas’s heartland rocker New York Christmas — and 14 recycled oldies from dudes like Michael Buble, Ron Sexsmith, Sugar Ray and more. Humbug.
DOWNLOAD: Rob Thomas’s New York Christmas
Good Lovelies
Under the Mistletoe
**
Imagine that the Andrews Sisters were a bluegrass trio from Toronto. Now imagine they made a Christmas album. Naughty and nice.
DOWNLOAD: Blue Christmas
Gregorian Christmas Chants
Various Artists
*
“The Original,” proclaims the CD cover. Phew. Now you don’t have to waste your cash on a bootleg CD of sleep-inducing vocal dirges set to New Age accompaniment.
DOWNLOAD: John Lennon’s Happy Xmas (War is Over)
Halford
Winter Songs
*1/2
Hail Santa! Judas Priest shrieker Rob Halford cranks it up to 11 — and brings a few Spinal Tapish originals to the party — on this unintentionally hilarious metalfest.
DOWNLOAD: I Don’t Care if It’s Christmas Night
Barry Manilow
In the Swing of Christmas
*1/2
Piano man Manilow’s latest jazzy seasonal shmaltzfest — previously available only at Hallmark stores — gets rereleased with a pair of new bonus cuts.
DOWNLOAD: Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer
Now Christmas 4
Various Artists
*
Lady Gaga’s Christmas Tree is the only reason to buy this cobbled-together comp of previously issued fare from Diana Krall, Faith Hill, Spice Girls and others.
DOWNLOAD: Christmas Tree
Johnny Reid
Christmas
**
Canadian country star Reid puts his sandy, Springsteenish pipes to work on a personable batch of punchy roots-rock, bluesy ballads and Celtic-tinged carols.
DOWNLOAD: Jingle Bell Rock
Sting
If on a Winter’s Night ...
**1/2
The Police man serves up a traditional English feast of seasonal folk and ancient holiday fare. Pretentious? Duh. But it’s also warm, mellow and surprisingly listenable.
DOWNLOAD: Soul Cake
Straight No Chaser
Christmas Cheers
**
This a cappella group has 10 dudes a-singing — and a-spiking classics with everything from doo-wop to reggae to the Mission: Impossible theme.
DOWNLOAD: The Christmas Can-Can
Sugarland
Gold and Green
**
The country-pop duo wrap some previously released (and stylistically varied) holiday standards with a handful of new originals.
DOWNLOAD: Coming Home
Ultimate Motown Christmas Collection
Various Artists
***
Dig some cool Christmas Miracles — along with Christmas Jacksons, Supremes, Temptations and more — in this two-disc set. O come, all ye soulful.
DOWNLOAD: Stevie Wonder’s What Christmas Means to Me
Hayley Westenra
Winter Magic
*1/2
All is calm on classical-pop soprano and sometime Celtic Woman Westenra’s lushly orchestrated seasonal effort. Calm and bland.
DOWNLOAD: Peace Shall Come
darryl.sterdan@sunmedia.ca
