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Hi Robin:
I'm a 35 average-looking white male with three kids from a failed marriage. I've just gotten out of a six-year relationship and I've had no luck meeting the right women. The only women I seem to meet are married, or don't want to be with a man who has teenagers. So now I have fallen in love with a married woman (I know I shouldn't) who I met at work, but she's everything I'm looking for in a woman. We’re just friends, and I've never told her how much I love her. I'm not a home wrecker. Am I wrong to have fallen so hard for someone I know I shouldn't have? - Wanting what I can't have
Dear Wanting:
I'm sure you've realized, any time you do a job or hobby, and rush it, it turns out crap. The same thing applies if you run into relationships at breakneck speed.
First fix your own issues, and make sure you are even ready for a relationship. You just came out of a big one, and you should slow down a bit.
This woman from work sounds great, except for that one thing – she already has a husband. I don't think you should tell her your feelings at this point. If she doesn't feel the same way, it will be very uncomfortable for both of you and you can say goodbye to the friendship.
Rather than putting your entire hopes into finding the perfect woman that is the carbon copy of your friend, why not get her to help you? Maybe she has some suggestions, heck, maybe she even has a single friend or two.
Before you do anything, you've got to be comfortable with your own company. Then work on the concept of that “ideal woman” you have. If you let go of some of your comparisons, you may find that your new love is closer than you would have thought. Take your time.
Dear Robin:
My parents, who live a fair distance from us (several hundred miles away) ignore our two girls. They visit my siblings and their families, who live close by, often, and call us the evening before heading home just to say "hi.” They never ask after our girls and rarely, if ever, acknowledge their birthdays. It has gotten to the point where my sisters call to tell me our parents are coming for a visit and all the special thing they have planned. When I say I'd like to see them, I'm told it may not be convenient, but they'll be in touch, which they never are. I've tried raising this issue with my parents and have been told that they will do what they want to do. I've written letters to them and explained the hurt we feel. My parents cite instances where we saw them, but it was when our girls were very small. I should mention our girls are adopted and I have wondered often if this is the reason for my parents’ alienation. My in-laws are very loving and attentive, but they live several thousand miles away and we don't see them that often. My nieces and nephews have reminded my children at school that granny and grandpa love them and not my children. I have to wonder who told them that! Any advice you might have would be much appreciated. - Feeling shunned by my family
Dear Feeling:
If the children are of a different race, it may be a case of your parents being prejudiced. If so, this is their problem to deal with – not yours.
You said your siblings live close to you, but I wonder whether or not you are close to or spend time with them. Your parents visit your siblings, but won't visit you even though you live close by. Is there any other reason you can think of why they wouldn't want to visit your home (i.e. pets, messiness). I'm not saying this is your fault, but I want you to look at all the angles.
Next time they are in town, offer to come over or meet them out for supper. If they refuse, you need to confront them about it. Not over the phone or in a letter, and certainly not with the children present. Get to the bottom of this so you can get on with your lives and stop wondering why you are being shunned.
You had enough love in your hearts to adopt. Some people don't understand that, and people fear what they don't understand. Give them the option to gain an understanding and get to know their grandchildren. If they still refuse, save the money you would have spent visiting them, and visit your in-laws instead.
As far as the girls are concerned, tell them other children sometimes say things to upset others because they think it's funny. They don't need to know what is going on at this point. It would only hurt them more. What you choose to tell them when they are older is up to you. They will come to their own conclusions and make their own decisions when they are older.
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Do you allow friends to do drugs in your residence?
It's OK if it's pot 18%
It's never OK in my home 77%
Not when my spouse or kids are present 5%
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