Dear Robin:
My wife and I have been together eight years, married for two. Our marriage is great except for one thing: her son.
My wife has a 20-year-old daughter and a 22-year-old son who live with us. The daughter is an ambitious, smart, outgoing kid who has a job in the health-care field. We get along great together. Her brother came to live with us when he quit school at 16. He is not a bad kid, but he has absolutely nothing going for him. No diploma, no driver's license and no job. He works in the summer at a seasonal job and then spends the winter in his room playing video games and smoking pot. He was seeing a nice young woman a couple of years ago and I was kind of hoping she would inspire him to get his act together, but she broke up with him last year.
I've tried to encourage him to get it together, even tried to get him a year-round job at the company I work for, but he has no interest in anything I have to say. We just ignore each other for the most part.
My wife is a great mother but she just refuses to deal with this. Whenever I've tried to bring it up, she defends him and says he will work it out in his own time.
I try to just let it go, but I think this kid is wasting his life. Time waits for no-one and I think the longer he waits the harder it's going to be for him to get going in life. Is it my responsibility to do something here? His own dad doesn't really participate in stuff like this. -- Interfere or Intervene?
Grandparents tired of being used for babysitting
Dear Interfere:
Unfortunately, it may be to late to do either – interfere or intervene. The time for that would have been six years ago, when he moved in. At 22, he is considered an adult, if only in age.
This sounds like it has been a battle between you and your wife for quite some time. The two of you need to get on the same page with this one, so start by having a good chat with your wife about the situation. Don't let her simply brush it off, it is affecting your life too.
When you said he spends the winter in his room playing games and smoking pot, I hope you don't mean he is literally smoking pot in your home. If you are so lax that you allow that, you might as well prepare for the fact that he will still be living in your basement at 40. The two of you are enabling his behaviour by the simple fact that you allow it to continue.
At some point, Mom is going to have to realize he is going nowhere fast, and this is not simply a phase. He may simply be bone lazy and completely dependent, but he also may be suffering from a form of mental illness. I hate using that, but the fact is, it could be an issue.
Talk to your wife about what options he has. Then maybe give him an ultimatum - clean up his act, get working/in school and start contributing to the household, or find somewhere else to live. Without a high school diploma, he isn't going to get far in the workforce, but he could show some initiative and enrol in some classes, while working part-time. All you can do is offer suggestions and support, after that it is entirely up to him.
Dear Robin:
My elderly parents babysit my sister's elementary school-aged son (for free I might add) and have done so for a number of years. They recently confided in me that they would like to stop providing the service and take some time for themselves. They haven't said anything directly, however, as they are worried that they'll be cut out of their grandchild's life. My sister can be very petty. Every time the conversation has come up previously my sister has hinted that she won't be bringing her son around to visit as she's "too busy" as a single parent. I don't want to get involved but my sis isn't taking any of their hints that they are feeling strained. Should I get involved? - Concerned Sibling
Dear Concerned:
This is one of those cases when you almost have to bite your tongue right off to keep from saying anything. This one is up to your parents. They need to decide what to do. You can give them some suggestions, but that is about as far as I would go for now.
They should talk to your sister and tell her how often they are willing to babysit, period. If she pitches a fit about it and pulls the grandchild away from them, as her parents, they need to confront her about it. She needs to understand that her expectations are not fair to her parents.
While many grandparents love having their grandchildren around, the simple fact is that children are tiring for even the most energetic senior citizen. That, and your parents have raised their children and deserve time to themselves. If she is so selfish that she would take the grandson away from them because they want some time to themselves, your sister still has quite a bit of growing up to do yet.
If you step in, a few things could happen, depending on how your relationship is with your sister to start with. She could see your side of things and realize what a selfish beast she has been. She could cut you out of her life indefinitely. Or she could take it out on your parents because they spoke to you about it first. See what I mean?
Be very careful how you involve yourself in this, because it could start a war. If, however, your sister turns on your parents because of the entire conversation, you bet your boots I would be on her doorstep having words over the treatment of Mom and Dad. They are your parents too, after all.
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