Hi Robin:
I am self-employed in the arts and culture field and my work is slowly gaining recognition and praise. My husband, now early-retired, had a good career so it didn’t matter that my income has been low and unsteady. Recently, a couple for whom I have done work invited us to their child's wedding. At our table for eight I sat beside a well-dressed, apparently sober woman who told me about her successful career in a "helping"/"people" profession.
Upon learning what I did, she expressed her sympathy, talked about the difficulties of careers in artistic fields, and treated me as if I were her client! I was nicely and appropriately dressed, not poor or needy looking, and neither self-deprecating nor boastful about my vocation. The other people at the table seemed nice, but logistics prevented me from escaping her.
Also, my husband and I like our host and hostess and didn't want to do anything to mar the occasion. We made our break when the dancing started. I have met rude people over the years, but no one has ever cornered me and tried to make me feel like a failure the way she did. What should I have said or done - in case, God forbid, this sort of thing happens to me again? - Angry and Discouraged
Dear Angry:
Don't let this get you down. Some people are just plain ignorant, or clueless - this woman sounds like a mix of both.
I think it is great that you have had the stability and support in your life to be able to pursue a career you love. While it can take a lot of time and hard work to break through in the arts, and paychecks can be few and far between (hence the term “starving artist”), that is not her concern – or her business.
I think this woman was trying to cover her own feelings of inadequacy by making your career appear inadequate itself. Maybe she wishes she could have done what you do, but didn't have the financial or emotional support.
I can't speak for her rudeness because I wasn't there – and for that she should feel lucky – but if you encounter her or someone like her again, here’s a good reply: “I'm blessed to have the love and support of my husband so that I am able to pursue my dream. How many people get that chance, and how many people get up in the morning with a smile on their faces, look at themselves in the mirror and say ‘I love my life and what I do’?”
For a shorter version, try, “I'm sorry you feel that way, because I couldn't be happier. I get to wake up every morning and do what I love.” That ought to stuff her shirt. Remember that not all people in “people” professions are there for the right reasons, or should even be there in the first place.
Dear Robin:
I have an issue with a friend of mine. We knew each other from high school but only met again last year. We weren't more than acquaintances back then, but we started to spend a lot of time together. Eventually we expressed interest in dating each other, but then she had a change of heart and said she wouldn’t date anyone anymore because of bad past relationships.
I stayed friends with her, hoping she would get past it, but eventually I realized we weren't meant for each other. We stayed friends and formed a trio between me, her and my best buddy.
However, my buddy’s female roommate makes quick judgments about people, and there was tension when she first met our friend. She essentially has all these negative opinions toward our friend. Our friend is self-conscious and is bothered by what other people think of her, taking offence to the comments and hates the roommate. Over several months, it’s gotten to where our friend is questioning our loyalty to her because we're not getting involved.
And the roommate, despite having been told to keep her opinions to herself, makes matters worse (she recently used my buddy's email to send a nasty message to my friend). Neither of them seems capable of just walking away from the situation. My buddy and I are tired of being dragged into their battles, and anytime we try to help the situation, things backfire because we’re "picking sides." When we keep out, we "don't care about the friendship." We think the whole thing is childish and the friendships are near the breaking point as a result. There's no way to get the two girls together to talk it out, nor do we feel that approach would lead to anything positive. How do we handle this? - Guys Vs. Dolls
Dear Guys:
This is a girl fight, which is totally different from a guy fight. Guys generally have a yelling match or duke it out and then crack a beer. Some women get catty, nasty, and can act downright despicable. You will not come out looking good if you get involved either way. You have already found that out. Either you are interfering, or you don't care.
Stay out of it.
Tell both girls you will be there to be their friends again - separately - once they start behaving like adults, but until then, you don't want to hear about it. It is up to them to figure out their differences.
Your friend has a point, she was friends with the two of you first, so technically your loyalties lie with her to some extent. That said, she has to be mindful of the roommate. If either one of these women can't handle it, the roommate may need to find somewhere else to call home. She is overstepping her boundaries already by using your friend’s email to send nasty letters to the other girl.
Either way, tell them to put on their big girl panties and figure things out, because it is starting to interfere with your own friendship, and you won't stand for that. Don't let it come between you and your friend. If you both have to walk away from the girls for a while to prevent that, do it.
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