Dear Robin:
I am a unhappily married woman with children, working part-time. My husband is a good man but he has addiction issues that empty our bank accounts and cause a lot family stress.
I have always been very stubborn and have a bit of the "I wear the pants not you" attitude, but I never buy anything for myself. My husband has always been this way and I figured that the love of a good woman and getting him away from influences that make it easy for him to continue these ways would get him to stop.
I told him that I don't want him to live the life I want because he will end up resentful of me later.
I am longing to be rid of this stress, I am on medication for depression and anxiety and am at the point where I wouldn't care if he came through the door at night from work or not.
The way he is going all I see is a husband and father I am going to have to bury, because he wouldn't see that a little uncomfortableness was worth an extra 10-20 years with his family. But divorce is sort of like a little death too. We have been to counselling. What advice can you give me that may give me some sort of direction to go in? -- Dying a Little Everyday
Dear Dying:
You said a mouthful in a few short paragraphs. First you say he is a good man, but then you go into an entire book of all his shortcomings.
The main thing here appears to be that he has an addiction of some sort and has had it since you met. The love of a good woman is great, but it is no match for an addiction until the addict is ready to admit there is a problem.
The counselling is great, but only if you both stick with it. There's an old saying that “one rose doesn't make a summer.”
You also said that you have been controlling and stubborn. I admire you for admitting to your own shortcomings. Why not try dropping them? Rather than jumping on the my way or the highway bandwagon, try being supportive and understanding. Not an easy thing to do when you are watching your money go down the drain.
In order to be supportive and understanding, you need to understand the addiction, and to do that, you need to get involved with a support group for whatever his addiction is. This is only if you are interested in helping him and saving your marriage.
Much of what you say indicates to me that you are done with the marriage and simply looking for confirmation. I can't give you that, this decision is entirely up to you. You are right that divorce can be like a little death, but I guess you have to pick your poison, or rather, which death is less painful.
Whatever you decide to do, ensure you give the children a chance to share their feelings. They may need to speak to a counsellor as well, depending on how they deal with things.
Quit while you are ahead
Dear Robin:
I've been in love with this girl for the past six years, but through all of that, she never noticed my feelings towards her. Recently, I let her know how I felt and got kindly, but utterly, rejected.
I stayed with it, hoping that maybe one day, she would have a change of heart and maybe feel the way I do. It went on for a while and I believed I was actually making a difference with it. That is, before she sprung the news on me that she decided she's a lesbian.
We talked about it a bit recently and she said that I should really just give up on her, because I was only making things difficult on myself, and she felt it was a hopeless cause. I want to move on, because I believe she would prefer if I did, but I've cared about her for so long, and there's no one else I'm remotely interested in being with other than her. What should I do? -- Sad and Confused
Dear Sad:
I'm just going to say it, there is no way to sugar coat this. She is not into you. Not even a little bit. A girl doesn't just wake up one day and “decide” she's a lesbian. Either she was before and didn't tell you, or she is feeding you a line so you will leave her alone.
I would think after six years of knowing a person, you would be aware of their sexual orientation. You have to get over her and come to terms with the fact that she doesn't like you as anything more than a friend.
I would suggest that if you are having such a difficult time dealing with the fact that you are not going to get together with her, talk to someone about it. If you keep up this behaviour, you are going to lose her as a friend as well.
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