Dear Robin: I wrote you previously regarding a man I was dating for a few years, who is married with children. I have left him and want to start a new life. I found a new guy whom I am getting married to in June, but there is something that's holding me back.
I told my ex that I am trying to move on with my life and want my own space. Since he found out that I am getting married, moving on with my life, seing my friends and enjoying life he has been cursing me and has been blaming me that I was never true to him or I never loved him true enough.
He tells me that I will never be able to find love again. I am breaking in pieces everyday because of what he has been saying. Can you please give me any advice? I would greatly appreciate it. -- MS. FEELING GUILTY
Dear Ms. Feeling: You feeling guilty is exactly what he is banking on.
I'm glad you came to your senses and got on with your life. It appears he is now grasping at straws, trying to guilt you into staying and remaining his little puppet on the side. Everything he is saying is designed to make you feel bad and think less of yourself so that you will go running back to him.
All I can tell you is that you have to start believing in yourself, that you are better than that.
You obviously have someone who loves you now, but I doubt that would be the case if he found out about this other man.
Forget about this married man, cut all ties with him and get on with your life. If you keep talking to him, you leave the door open. You need to slam it and move on.
Feeling pressured into having sex
Dear Robin: I have been dating a guy for awhile, and he is pushing me to have sex. I have done it once before with another guy (I thought he loved me) and felt really bad afterwards because I was raised with values that don't support premarital sex.
He tells me he loves me, and that it will bring us closer together. I'm not comfortable with it, but don't know what to tell him. He knows I'm not a virgin, and we do mess around a bit, so he says I'm being a tease.
How do I make him understand that I like him, but that I'm not ready for things to go that far. I think he'll break up with me if I don't give in soon. Can you help me? -- Not Promiscuous
Dear Not Promiscuous: If you're not ready, you're not ready, plain and simple. If this guy is pressuring you to have sex, and won't take no for an answer, you have to ask yourself if he is worth it. Someone who loves you isn't going to call you a tease and try and pressure you into something they know you aren't comfortable with.
It might be better to find a guy with similar values as yourself. Talk about this with someone you trust, like an aunt, older sister or school counsellor. Your family doctor or public health nurse are also excellent resources for information and advice.
Remember it is your body, and nobody has the right to force you to do anything you don't want to do.
The best idea is not to put yourself in a situation where you have to take that option. You need to be aware that there are still risks associated with oral sex and other forms of sexual contact, even if you aren't having sexual intercourse. You may not get pregnant, but you can certainly get an sexually transmitted infection (STI).
If, and when, you decide you are ready for an intimate relationship with this - or any other boy – ensure you practice safer sex, including using a condom/barrier each and every time you have sexual contact.
Information on sexual health can be found just about everywhere these days, and good places to start are sexualityandu.ca or plannedparenthood.org.
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