Dear Robin:
I have been dating this guy for the last four months. He is about three years younger than me and I thought things were going well between the two of us. We have great chemistry so I decided to sleep with him. The sex is really great. We talk almost about everything and he calls me on a daily basis. He also opened up his feelings for me.
Unfortunately, I just found out that he has a girlfriend for about five years, who is 11 years older than him. He told me that he does not love her and he's only going out with her because she pursued him to be in the relationship. I am confused. I am not sure if he is being honest with his feeling towards me.
I want to move on and forget about him. I have tried texting him that I am letting him go and I can not stay in a relationship if he keeps on lying to me. He still calls me but I make sure that I want to keep my distance from him. He thinks that I am only joking that I want out of the relationship. I try to ignore his phone calls, and really decided to move on with my life.
I realized that I am in love with this guy and I can not afford to lose him. We never ague or fight, I always try to be the coolest girl that he ever met in his life, so he won't forget me and just remember the good times we had together.
It seems the more I pushed him away, he keeps on staying. Please help me, I need some advice. -- The Other Woman
Dear Other Woman:
Well my dear, I hate to say it, but it sounds like you have been duped. People who are stepping out on their significant other, male or female, often tell “stories” of how awful the other person is. They may say their spouse doesn't understand them, they aren't sexually attracted to them anymore, the spouse “trapped” them into the relationship, or they are only staying until the children are older.
The simple fact is, if they truly want out that badly, they will get out no matter the circumstances. There is obviously something they are still getting out of their current relationship that keeps them there. Not to mention that they are having their cake and eating it too.
I don't buy what he is saying for a second, much like every other spouse I have heard making excuses to keep the other man/woman on the line. Cut ties with this guy. The more you keep talking to him, the more he will continue to bait you and keep you hanging on.
You think you can't afford to lose him, but maybe it is a case of you can't afford to keep him.
Wife sneaking around right under hubby's nose
Dear Robin:
We have been married for 32 years. I recently found out (my wife told me) that she had had an affair with a single man she worked with about 20 years ago. It lasted four months (I'm told). I met him when I knew nothing of the affair. To me, he was just a friend.
This guy then married, moved to the U.S., and after a couple of years, divorced. One day, he was again in Calgary to see his son, and he then called us to tell us of his martial status and say hello.
My wife insisted that he should not stay at a hotel, and he should stay with us. Whenever he came to the city to see his son, he stayed with us. My wife would also keep in touch with him via phone calls and letters (email wasn't invented back then).
Also, about nine years later, my wife planned a trip to see a concert that was playing in his city, and stayed at his house.
Robin, when I learned about all of this it crushed me. I feel hollow. I feel like the last 20 years of my life have been wasted. I do not know how my wife could have this guy stay at our home. Most of all, she didn't love me. - I Feel Betrayed
Dear Betrayed:
I question why your wife just feels the need to inform you of this now. You feel betrayed, and rightly so. You trusted your wife enough to allow her the benefit of the doubt when carrying on this “friendship.”
In fact, it appears you trusted her so much you didn't even bat an eyelash over having him stay at your house. Of course, you are now wondering if the affair was really a four month gig, or if this carried on much longer.
I'm trying to get my head around the fact that she both had him in your home and stayed at his, without even a hint of guilt. I have no idea what you plan to do, but I suggest you sit down with her and get the whole story first. I don't think I'd bite that this only lasted four months. I would ask for the whole truth, and the reason she chose to bring this up now. Are the two of you having problems in your marriage, and she is using this as an out?
No matter what, you need to talk to someone about your feelings – something I know some men aren't comfortable with - and then decide if the two of you are going to put this behind you and patch up your marriage.
After this many years together, you will now likely question and mistrust everything else she has done, every trip she has gone on, etc. That is why I strongly suggest again that you talk to someone that can help you figure out how to get past this, and learn to trust her again.
Or, at the very least, how to trust women again period, because if you leave this marriage, you may have issues in any new relationships you choose to pursue in the future.
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