Dear Robin:
I'm single yet again from my own downfall. Not that it's all bad - it allowed me to see how lucky I was to have a wonderful person in my life like her. I messed it up for the last time when I went out on the town with the boys. I wasn’t thinking about anything else, just having a few while shooting the breeze. Or so I thought until the next day when I heard the news of what I done. I kissed another girl! What was I thinking? If I could only remember that part of the night. The heartache of it is that I hurt the one I thought I loved, because if I truly loved her I wouldn't be in this mess right. Now I wonder what else there is to do besides feeling ashamed. I'm trying to work on myself but it seems pointless. But hey, I cut down on the “barley soup.” -- Dar Dar
Dear Dar Dar:
Well, I'm glad to hear you've cut down on the “barley soup,” because when you can't remember the events from the previous evening, that's a huge red flag. If she dumped you because you kissed another girl when you were smashed, well, unless you have a history of alcohol blackouts, stepping out on her and the like, maybe she jumped the gun a bit. You did say you messed up for the last time, mind you, which leads me to believe this isn't the first time something like this has happened. You are a big boy and should be able to behave yourself when you are out. True, you screwed up, but you feel remorse and are making changes. As far as I can see, you are doing all the right things, as long as it's not just a whole lot of lip service to get her back.
Why not take her out for coffee and share with her what you have told me? There is only so much you can beat yourself up over it, and working on yourself is never pointless. Keep working on yourself, lay off the brewskies, and stop feeling ashamed. It is over and done. Get on with your life, whether or not it includes her.
Dear Robin:
I am a recent widow who was married to a wonderful man for over 50 years. I am totally divested and don't know how to overcome the grief and get on with my life. There are several friends and family to support me, but the loneliness and memories are so hard to cope with. I have tried going to social events, etc. but I find it very difficult to attend these functions alone. My husband and I did everything together. I spoke to a grief counsellor briefly and she assured me it would take time and that it is different for everyone. Any suggestions that would help me cope with the daily struggle of being alone and lonely. Thank you for your advice. -- LONELY WIDOW
Dear Lonely:
The grief counsellor is right - everyone deals with it in their own way, at their own pace. Some people get through the worst and find that time really does help to heal. Others stay in the depths of their despair for a very long while. Where the difference lies is how a person copes during this time. The best way I can say it is that it comes down to quality of life. Grieving is one thing, but when you completely stop living, that indicates a bigger problem.
Depression is a real concern for those who have lost a spouse. You said you spoke briefly to a grief counsellor, but I strongly encourage you to go back and keep seeing her. I also think you would benefit from a bereavement support group, so that you can talk openly about your feelings with others in the same situation. That in itself may help you get back into social activities, even if it is slowly. Go at your own pace. It is great that you have the support of family, but sometimes they may not understand your particular grieving process, or may be tied up in their own grief. Nonetheless, use the support you have from family and friends as a stepping stone. I encourage you to speak to your family doctor about how you are feeling. Another excellent resource for you to contact would be your branch of the Canadian Mental Health Association. They may know of more appropriate bereavement groups available (specifically for widows), and can help with grief/bereavement counselling as well. Please follow up with at least a few of the suggestions I have given, and let me know how you are doing.
Poll results
Is it possible to recover from harsh words spoken in anger?
Yes - people speak without thinking when angry 45%
No - it shows how people really feel 2%
Yes - there's no reason to hold grudges 17%
No - you'll always remember how it made you feel 36%
To vote in today's poll, please visit http://blog.canoe.ca/advice
