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Dear Robin:
I have been dating an old friend for five months. We have known each other for over 20 years; we are both in our 40s and have older kids.
Things were going really well until a few weeks ago, when a mutual friend told him some lies about me. He revealed part of the lies to me, which I defended and he seemed to believe me. Yet he won't tell me what else this guy told him ... he says he needs to talk to someone else and figure things out. He has since been distant, and told me not to ask about it again.
I'm so mad, and am consumed with what he's been told. My boyfriend acts as though he would rather be run over by a herd of wild elephants than tell me what’s bothering him. I feel so disrespected, and I'm very sad. I wonder if I should call things off, and that's what's making me sad, because I'm really crazy about him. - In the Dark
Dear In the Dark:
My question is, why is this “mutual friend” badmouthing you in the first place? Is he a mutual friend from when you were with your ex? That could explain things.
If you really have no idea what is being said about you, and your boyfriend is shutting you out, I would confront this supposed “friend.” Find out the whole story, and what other little tidbits are being held back. If this friend had the guts to tell your boyfriend, he should at least give you the courtesy of an explanation for his actions.
Secondly, who is this “someone else” your boyfriend needs to talk to? The one he should be talking to is you, and if he can't talk to you about it, I would want to know the reason. He is either going to believe you or he won't. If he loves you, he will hopefully dig a little deeper, rather than simply believing what this other person, who could be motivated by jealousy, your ex-husband, or a gamut of other emotions, is spewing about you.
Dear Robin:
I am stuck and not sure what I should do. I have a 10-year-old daughter with an upcoming birthday and she is having issues with who to invite to her party. There is a circle of friends who don't necessarily get along all the time, as 10 and 11-year-olds do.
The problem is not the friends, but a parent of one of the girls. She has claimed to her daughter that she has never liked my daughter and insists that she is obnoxious, rude, talks too much, and should not be friends with her.
Of course, the friend told my daughter directly what the mother thinks of her. My daughter is very forgiving, but cried when she explained to me what happened, and I was overwhelmed trying to explain adult behaviour. She does not know whether to invite this girl and I am also having issues whether she should or should not. – Teary-Eyed Mom
Dear Teary-Eyed:
Oh my, that’s not a very nice way to speak about a child. I wouldn't explain that as "adult behaviour." No matter what the mom thinks of your child, she shouldn't be sharing her feelings with her daughter.
Children have a way of going to others and telling them exactly what came out of a parent's mouth, whether good or bad or ugly. Your daughter is old enough to be able to tell this other girl that what she said hurt her feelings. I think it is up to her, if she is friends with this girl, to decide whether to invite her. I wouldn't punish the other child because the mother is rude.
I would certainly have a chat with the mom the next time I saw her, or even give her a call to discuss this with her – without little ears around, of course. If the other mom has real concerns about your daughter – if she feels the child is a bad influence over her daughter, which is her right – she should have either spoken to you directly about the problem, or kept her feelings to herself and told her daughter that she'd rather not have her play with your child. There is no need to give elaborate reasons or excuses. She is the mom, and “because I said so” works just fine in my opinion.
Poll results
If your partner lost interest in sex, what would you think was the cause?
Cheating 23%
Lack of libido 40%
Lack of time 7%
Other 27%
It would never happen 3%
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