Dear Tom: My boyfriend and I have been on and off for the past few months. When we first called it quits we were done for a few months then he started to do sweet things bring me flowers, surprise me with gifts etc. I was a little hesitant about it at first, but I gave in and we started dating again and everything was going great we never fought. Then about a week ago it all went downhill. When we started to talk again he knew I had been seeing someone else but he reassured me he was fine with it, and he wasn't. He's been acting so jealous about it and always brings it up. So then we decided to call it quits again. My problem is that I love him so much and I know he loves me too and I know we both want to be together, but I don't think he's ever going to be able to get over this. Is there something I can do or say to make him realize that he's the only one for me and the other guy was just a rebound? I feel like I've said everything under the sun but nothing has worked and I don't want to give up on us. – HOPELESSLY DEVOTED
Dear Hopelessly Devoted: I’m going to go out on a limb and guess that you are fairly young people and maybe a little inexperienced in a relationship. Love is overwhelming at the best of times but – when it’s mixed with passion and infatuation in a young body filled with raging hormones. Breakups and makeups, jealousy and hurt feelings are all part of the ride. Believe it or not, trial and error is how you learn to manage a relationship properly. Unfortunately, your training relationship may not survive intact.
However, The Princess Bride taught us that true love is the noblest cause of all so here goes. Your boyfriend is anxious and uncertain of himself. It’s pretty hard for a young man to openly declare his love and he has been hurt by you seeing another during your hiatus. He really has no right to keep inflicting it on you but this is how we men work. You will have to be patient during his jealous ranting – stay calm and wait for him to come back down off the ledge. You don’t have to apologize any more – this is something he will have to learn to deal with.
Have you ever tried to feed a bird from your hand? Back and forth, back and forth but eventually the bird will trust you and perch on your finger. Of course, some birds won’t, but what more could you have done? You can’t will the bird into your hand.
You are on a wild ride but you have to know it will soon slow and stop. Remain seated and keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times. I’m sorry, but the only thing more you can do is hope that your boyfriend is still seated next to you when you pull into the station.
Dear Tom: I am a 60-year-old mother of two adult children and grandmother of three adorable grandchildren. I had been married for 36 years to a man who was depressed and enraged about life in general.
One morning, I found him suicidal - after that he was given an order prohibiting him to see me or come near the home. He disobeyed the order and came into the house one morning with a chef's knife and threatened to kill me and himself. The ordeal went on for some time, until he suddenly changed and walked out of the door. I called the police and he was taken to psychiatric hospital, where he spent one month and then two months in remand. He was put back into the custody of his mother, an 80-year-old woman who is managed by her daughter.
In the following months, we were divorced and our settlement made. In the course of our speaking, he promised me that if something should happen to him he would leave what was left to our grandchildren. But then he signed his new will in December, leaving everything to his sister. He died in January of unknown causes.
The obituary did not acknowledge that my husband had a family outside of his mother and his sister. My children were not invited to their father's burial. I agonized over all of this. I decided the only way I could get through my grief was for me to forgive them. I phoned my mother-in-law and met with her and my sister-in-law. I told them how the money part of this situation was not what concerned me, but the love part did. I felt that I had opened up the door to more communication.
There has not been so much as a phone call from their grandmother. My children feel that they have been rejected by my husband's family and need some reassurance that they are loved and wanted. Meanwhile, I have many unanswered questions about my husband, his childhood and his death.
I need peace of mind. My children say they have come to terms with this, but I know they are hurt and angry. I have sought out counseling, but maybe it wasn't the right fit for me. I have been to AA with my husband and Al-Anon for myself. I look forward to hearing from you. – JUST NEED SOME CLOSURE
Dear Just Need Some Closure: I am sincerely impressed – you’ve come through a dangerous and emotional ordeal, selflessly tried to secure your grandchildrens' futures and still extended the hand of peace to your in-laws. You’ve tried counseling and other sources of support to try to understand and heal yourself. You are a rock that a family can build upon.
I have little to offer you except this: for now, try to focus on your future, your children and your grandchildren. Sometimes the past has no answers, sometimes answers are vague or untruthful, and you may have to summon the strength to accept that for the time being and look forward.
In the meantime, continue to look for a counsellor that suits you or look for a spiritual source of comfort. Your peace of mind will come from within. Once it appears, you will be better prepared to explore the unknown parts of your ex-husband’s life and separate the truth from the chaff.
You have seen enough to know that having the serenity to accept the things you cannot change, the courage to change the things you can, and the wisdom to know the difference, isn’t a bad way to go through life. You have yet another chance to demonstrate your strength for your family.
Tom Holder is Sun Media's national advice columnist. E-mail Tom your questions at advice@sunmedia.ca, or read more School of Life at canoe.ca/advice.
