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Dear Tom: I have a bit of an interesting problem. I’ve just been disowned. I’m 42-years-old and I recently came into a great deal of money after selling a technology company that I started and ran for several years. Shortly thereafter, my father and his new wife asked me to finance their retirement starting as soon as I could write a cheque. He’s a lawyer, still working, and has always done well. He and his wife travel regularly and live in a very fine home. She has a well-paying job in the legal community as well. I was taken off guard and immediately turned down their request. My father then sent me a letter saying that I was disowned, which hurt me deeply. The basis of his complaint was that I owed him for my childhood and my education - which enabled me to make my fortune. I don’t know where to go next. Do I owe him? It’s possible that they have overspent but I don’t know that for fact. They are not ill and still have very good incomes. Who is out of line here?– DUMBFOUNDED
Dear Dumbfounded: I’m a bit stunned myself. First off, I didn’t think disowning took place anymore (except on TV), and secondly, your father is nuts. I mean, if he was penniless or terminally ill, you’d pony up the money in a heartbeat, right? Let the man live in comfort for the second half of his life – however long it may be. Wow, even if he has spent himself into a big hole, someone with any integrity would ask for a loan but keep working to make an effort to pay it back.
I certainly don’t think that you “owe” your father anything – once you bring a kid into the world, you are responsible for care, feeding and as best an education as you can provide. However, I do believe that when parents go into decline, adult children should “pay” back as best they can. I use quotes because I see it more as love and affection rather than dollars and cents.
Sure, your parents raised you to be the person you are and that has a great deal to do with your success. And, sure, the decent thing to do would be to share the wealth – and I suspect you would have if you hadn’t been asked so blatantly.
How about this? Send him back a formal letter saying that you would be happy to settle any debts provide he send your accountant an itemized invoice with supporting documentation and receipts. Then wait a day or two, call him up and say, “Isn’t this stupid, Dad? Let’s sit down and start over.”
See where it goes from there. If it goes nowhere, share your money with someone else who really needs it.
Dear Tom: I am a mother of two sons who do not share fathers. The older son’s father (my ex) seems to really like my younger son, who's 3-years-old, but his dad (my boyfriend) hates it. When my boyfriend is at work, my ex will come around and ask if he can take my youngest out swimming. I would feel sad if I didn't let him because I know my son will have fun. I let my ex take him out, but he took it a little further and got my youngest son’s hair cut without even asking. When his dad got home all hell broke loose. I would really like you to give me some advice please. Thank you. – STUCK IN THE MIDDLE
Dear Stuck in the Middle: Well, there’s two ways to look at this and it all depends on what kind of guy your ex is. He’s either a good guy who wants to give both boys a chance to have some fun or he’s a manipulative jerk who’s trying to mess with your life.
I’m assuming first that he showed up to take his own son swimming and invited your other son along too. To me, that is the right thing to do – the boys are brothers and it’s a chance not only for them to have some fun but to give you a little break as well. As for the haircut, that might be stretching it a little, but if I was taking my boy to the barbershop and his little brother wanted to try it too, I’d be tempted to sit him up there and tell the barber to take a quarter inch off just so the boy won’t feel left out. Actually, I’m pretty sure I would do that.
Now, if he’s taking the younger boy out while his brother is away at school or camp or something, that’s veering toward trying to tick off your boyfriend. Even if he is a super nice guy, that’s a little over the line.
If you think your ex is doing any of this just to wind up your boyfriend, you have to say "No" – neither of the boys are pawns to be played with. If your ex is just a good guy, tell your boyfriend that it’s a free outing for his son and a little rest for you. Tell him you would appreciate it if he would allow his son to go, and that there won't be any more haircuts. I mean, you do take the older boy on your family outings don’t you?
Tom Holder is Sun Media's national advice columnist. E-mail Tom your questions at advice@sunmedia.ca, or read more School of Life at canoe.ca/advice.