Girlfriend on the fence over guy's lies 0
DEAR AMY: I met a man online last year, and we really hit it off. From my perspective, we enjoyed spending time together; had a lot in common, great conversations, great chemistry, and seemed to value many of the same things.
However, several months into the relationship, I found out he had lied about his age by 10 years (I'm in my late 20s and he's actually in his early 40s).
I also learned (because I found a photograph in his home) that he had concealed the fact that he has a teenage daughter from a previous relationship.
I realize that people sometimes lie about or omit things when they date online, but it bothered me that he would not come clean once we got to know one another -- especially since I'm very open-minded and would not have had a problem with his age or his family situation.
I do, however, have a problem with lying.
I stopped seeing him for a few months because I wasn't sure how to move forward. Eventually, though, I missed him and the connection we had together, and we gradually started seeing each other again. In many ways, the relationship feels like it's going well.
However, I still wonder if we can have the kind of trust a relationship needs, knowing that he was capable of living with such lies. I also now have to live with the criticism from friends and family who think I should move on. I don't want to remain on the fence -- please help! -- Conflicted
DEAR CONFLICTED: Lying about your age is one thing. It's not a good thing, mind you, but it's nothing compared with omitting the other little detail your boyfriend forgot to mention, i.e., the existence of offspring.
I can understand not sharing this girl's existence with you at the outset (he may feel shame or guilt if he doesn't support or have a relationship with the girl), but this is something that he should own and disclose to you if he is in an intimate relationship with you.
Authentic, fully functioning adults face up to the reality of their lives and share this reality with the people they love.
You don't say how he has reacted to these lies since you have uncovered them, but without question this is a huge red flag flying over your relationship.
I suggest you hop off the fence.
DEAR AMY: My husband and I are attending a wedding across the country. The bride is the daughter of very close friends. This requires a flight and hotel stay.
She recently had a shower that was held locally. I did not attend the shower or give a shower gift because I don't like the idea of showers.
My husband and I purchased her wedding gift (a $150 vase) from her gift registry and had it sent to her early.
I received a note thanking me for my very generous shower gift! I was shocked; I thought it was very obvious that it was a wedding gift.
How do I let her know the gift was intended for her wedding and not her shower? Or should I just let her figure it out on her own? -- Flummoxed
DEAR FLUMMOXED: First of all, you were thanked. Let's take a moment to toss confetti into the air and celebrate that fact.
Send the prospective bride a note or email. Say, "I received your lovely thank-you note. I was a little embarrassed that our wedding gift was sent to you so early, but we're so happy you received it and hope you like it. We're very excited about your wedding and hope it is fun, joyous and all you wish for. Congratulations!"
DEAR AMY: Not only does Facebook not allow for "step" designations to describe family relationships, it also does not allow for "in-law" designations -- so my own beloved (soon-to-be-ex-) sisters-in-law are listed as my "sisters," causing much hilarity among our parents, who want to know where their extra kids came from! -- "Facing" It
DEAR FACING: Based on these letters, I'm currently lobbying Facebook to offer more designations and will keep readers posted on the organization's response.
Send questions via e-mail to firstname.lastname@example.org or by mail to Ask Amy, Chicago Tribune, TT500, 435 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, IL 60611. Amy Dickinson's memoir, "The Mighty Queens of Freeville: A Mother, a Daughter and the Town that Raised Them" (Hyperion), is available in bookstores.
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