A year ago, the hardest words I think a woman will ever hear were said to me.
"I don't love you anymore."
"I no longer want to spend the rest of my life ... with you."
I can still remember the blur, the feeling, the crushing physical pain that shocked through my heart ... the numbness. Within a matter of five words, my entire world, the reality that I based my life around - was shattered.
Just like that.
I thought I would eventually just run out of tears - I mean, was it even possible for a girl to cry so much, and still have more tears left?
In all honesty, I didn't see it coming. Quitting, not working things out - those were not even options that crossed my mind even in the toughest times. The ironic thing is, it ended when I thought things were going so well. Perhaps I was in denial; perhaps my commitment to fight for something I believed in, and my devotion to honour loyalty and commitment outweighed my rationale.
I felt like I had lost my best friend, I doubted myself and questioned if "I was good enough." I wondered what was so wrong with me - that someone who had once envisioned an entire lifetime together, could just change their mind in what seemed like an impulsive instant.
I was broken for a long while and nothing could fix me. One night, I found out he had moved on - and offered that same world that was once painted for me ... to another person.
If I had thought before that I couldn't be broken anymore, I found out that night I was wrong. Shattered in a million pieces again - there I was on the floor of my bathroom, in my beautiful vintage dress, crying and crying and crying.
I felt so alone.
But eventually, piece by piece, I started to come together again. Time was my glue, along with amazing friends, self reflection and planting seeds of joy that were not dependant on external variables.
Today, marks a year later, and I'm happy and proud to say, that those seeds have really started to sow.
A year later, I have deepened my friendships with existing friends, cultivated relationships with new friends, opened up to meeting different people and have built a community that is based on value exchange, growth and support.
I sold my condo - a property I had purchased for all the wrong reasons and have moved into a loft that finally feels like home. In my career, I held out moving to another company until the absolute right fit came along, and that time has come. I've accepted an amazing opportunity at my dream job.
And in my heart, I feel content. Before, I was always either looking for someone, with someone or missing someone.
For the first time in my life, I am happy being just as I am.
A year later, I can look back and see clearly how the longevity of that relationship didn't happen for a reason.
I have learned that no matter how much you love someone, you cannot lose yourself and change the person you once were. Despite the many laughs and beautiful moments we shared, at the very truth it, it didn't fit. And I knew that deep down - whether I wanted to admit it or not. So did he. He just chose to face the truth.
If you're reading this, and going through a similar experience, I hope that this piece gives you some hope and maybe some relief - that yes, it sucks right now as you're going through it, but there is light at the end of the tunnel.
We are all familiar with the old adage, "Everything happens for a reason." But the opposite is also true. "Everything doesn't happen for a reason." When something doesn't work out according to plan, it's natural for us to feel upset, but when you get through it, you realize how one door didn't open because you were meant to walk through another.
