If used ball-point pens are really worth $600, there are nearly $5,000 worth of gently chewed, slightly drained Paper-Mates in a jar on this typist's desk.
I've also got an empty, unlicked envelope for sale parently worth $2,000, delivery included.
Of course, my used pens and stationary don't include "free" tickets to the sold-out Grey Cup game in Calgary, and therein lies the ridiculous and all-too transparent rub.
If there's a trend in scalping, besides making a fat profit, it's skirting the law by selling an item of nominal value for a massive price, and then throwing in tickets for free.
Who exactly the scalpers are fooling isn't clear.
It's not like the police are breaking down doors looking for overpriced tickets, only to be foiled by the old $1,500-coffee-mug-with-free-tickets ruse.
This pointless trend aside, the CFL championship is clearly a goldmine for the unscrupulous -- long lists of seats are already for sale online, at double and even triple face value.
Two tickets in the Platinum section, worth $370 apiece, legally? Yours for $2,000, with two weeks to go before the big game. That's just a typical example.
It's great news for the CFL, obviously: If there's one thing worse than being scalped, it's not being scalped, to inaccurately quote Oscar Wilde.
The league and the game win, whenever there's a high demand for tickets. The fans, maybe not.
Once the finalists are determined, prime seats will skyrocket in value, with desperate diehards seeking tickets to see their team, at almost any cost.
For the scalpers, it's offering a product at a fair price -- "fair" meaning what people are willing to pay for something desirable and difficult to obtain.
"I'm just going with market value -- I'm still cheaper than some of those broker websites, who charge four times face value," said Scott, who asked that his last name not be used.
Scott's endzone tickets, worth $195 each, are going for $600 for the pair -- or rather, Scott's old Bic pen is going for $600. The tickets are free, of course.
In one sense, Scott is right.
Professional scalping operations are rampant, snatching up as many tickets as possible, and then selling them at a major markup.
But whether it's fans who can resist the cash, or U.S. brokers who probably don't even know what a Grey Cup is, those who oppose scalping say it's a despicable act.
Among the overpriced tickets, there are a smattering of seats being sold at face value.
"I think scalping is unfair to the real fans who just want to go to the game at a decent price," said Michael Jones, one such seller.
"For the record, the face value including all service charges was $550 for two tickets, so the prices are already sky-high before any markup." Jones said he goes to "sold-out" Flames games where there are empty seats, and he blames the rampant scalping industry for putting profit first.
"People are buying tickets as an investment and looking to profit off them," he said.
"If they can't make money off them some simply don't go at all."
Rob Cross is another CFL supporter with spare tickets to the game -- but he doesn't want to make a profit, and his extra tickets are going at face value.
"It's about the game, the memories and the kids -- ticket prices are too high for sports now as it is," said Cross.
Cross and two fellow fans managed to buy 16 tickets to the Grey Cup (season ticket holders had first right of refusal), and they're selling the spares not needed by family and friends.
He could make a profit, but Cross says he views scalpers with contempt.
"I see these scalpers all the time -- it's usually the same guys at all the different events," said Cross.
"Those memories are not meant only for the rich. I bet most of the scalpers don't even see the events they are selling tickets for."
While the Calgary Flames have in the past banned season-ticket holders caught repeatedly scalping playoff tickets, the Grey Cup is a one-off event.
Grey Cup festival spokesman Sheldon Lachambre said the Stampeders have done "everything in their power" to cut down on scalping, but he admits stopping the practice is nearly impossible.
"Logistically, that would be a full-time job," said Lachambre.
MICHAEL.PLATT@SUNMEDIA.CA
